Fantazia’s Island

Let scholars debate what belongs on the lists of the top 100 films and novels. We ordinary folk will join the fray when experts rank “movies” instead of “films,” and when we find time to pick up “The Great Gatsby” where we left off in high school.

In the meantime, you’ll find us average Joes (or Joans) in front of the TV.

That doesn’t mean we’re shallow. We think plenty (that’s what we do during the commercials). This is usually what we think of:

“I wish there weren’t so many commercials,” “Hmm, this looks colorized” and “I wish I owned a TV station and could show what I wanted.”

I fantasize about that last one a lot. I’d call my TV station JTV (Joan’s TV), and the schedule would be loaded with the favorites I would want to share with the world.

On JTV, you wouldn’t find any of those hand-held-camera artsy cop shows or anything that looks like it could have come from MTV. And nothing so heavy that you’d be making calls to a suicide hotline. And definitely no “MASH” or “ER.” Most of our docs are the kind of folks who go by “Doc.”

No doubt you’ll disagree with some of my choices. The great thing about TV is that we’ve all watched enough to be experts. Just make up your own list. Here’s mine:

SATURDAY

“The Andy Griffith Show” (1960-68)

“Barney Miller” (1975-82)

“Car 54, Where Are You?” (1961-63)

“SCTV” (1981-83)

I’d call this Comedy Night, ranging from the sublime to the sublimely ridiculous.

First is “The Andy Griffith Show,” which will be watched and admired long after the last “Seinfeld” yada has been yada-ed. In 40 years, what will make you smile more: Jerry in a puffy shirt or Barney with the Fun Girls?

Next is “Barney Miller”--very ‘70s but in a good way.

And how can you resist watching “Car 54,” a show so bizarre that it is listed on some critics’ 10-best-sitcom lists and others’ 10-worst?

The evening ends with “SCTV,” which rewards you for spending too much time in front of the tube. Brilliant sketches and filmed segments spoof everything from Soviet TV to “Leave It to Beaver” to “The World at War.” After JTV, SCTV is my station of choice.

SUNDAY

“The Rifleman” (1958-63)

“Have Gun Will Travel” (1957-63)

“Maverick” (1957-62)

“The Big Valley” (1965-69)

On Sunday, you can curl up with some good westerns, starting with the warmest: about a boy (Johnny Crawford) and his pa (Chuck Connors), a thoughtful, hard-working rancher who has loads of principles--and one very cool rifle.

Paladin (Richard Boone) also has principles. And a gun. And he will travel--for a price.

The peace-loving Maverick brothers (James Garner and Jack Kelly--and later Robert Colbert) have guns and they do travel, but they’re only fast on the draw if you’re talking poker.

The “Big Valley’s” Barkleys (including Barbara Stanwyck as grande dame Victoria Barkley) do it all--travel with a gun, stay home with guns, fight it out and sometimes even talk it out--but they do it in color.

MONDAY

“The Wild Wild West” (1965-70)

“The High Chaparral” (1967-71)

“Laramie” (1959-63)

Monday is Westerns Night II (hey--it’s my station). There are just too many good westerns and too few prime-time hours for them. (The All Westerns All the Time Channel would be my second station.) A standout is “The High Chaparral,” which was filmed in Arizona and has actual dirt and sweat.

“Laramie” doesn’t have as much dirt. However, it does have the gravel-voiced Robert Fuller, who was born to play western heroes with names like Jess Harper and Coop Smith.

But “The Wild Wild West,” (with Robert Conrad) has something the others don’t: a very short hero (no, not Dr. Loveless) who was cool and confident (but had the weirdest taste in pants).

TUESDAY

“77 Sunset Strip” (1958-64)

“The Rockford Files” (1974-80)

“Harry-O” (1974-76)

If you had to hire a private detective, it would be tough to choose among Stu Bailey (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.), Jeff Spencer (Roger Smith), Jim Rockford (James Garner) and Harry Orwell (David Janssen). Rockford is like an old friend, and Bailey and Spencer are the ginchiest. And you’ve gotta love Orwell, who sometimes takes the bus--in Southern California.

WEDNESDAY

“The FBI” (1965-74)

“I Spy” (1965-68)

“Naked City” * (1960-63)

* the hourlong version, not the lame half-hour one

No matter what your politics, on Wednesdays you’ve got to side with these Government Men.

How much impact did Zimbalist’s FBI show have on me? Well, to this day, I think the words following “The FBI” should be “in color.” And despite years of watching “The X-Files,” I still picture young FBI agents looking like William Reynolds, not David Duchovny.

And I like to think spies look--and act--like Bill Cosby’s Scott and and Robert Culp’s Robinson.

But I know for sure that a 1990s “Naked City” would be different from yesteryear’s. For one thing, there’d be more than 8 million stories in it--but they’d tell fewer of them because these days we’re lucky to get 11 episodes per season.

THURSDAY

“Combat!” (1962-67)

“The Fugitive” (1963-67)

“The Defenders” (1961-65)

At the end of Miscellaneous Drama Night, you might have some very short fingernails. But it would be worth it.

“Combat!” would have been on my schedule even if there had never been a “Saving Private Ryan.” It always gives me goose bumps when Sarge (Vic Morrow) snaps at his bickering men, “Save it for the Krauts.”

I’ve got a confession to make: I don’t recall ever seeing “The Defenders” as an adult, but it’s on my schedule because how else would I get to see it? “Perry Mason” and “Matlock” are all over the place, but “The Defenders” (with E.G. Marshall and Robert Reed) is as difficult to find as an up day for Ally McBeal.

(If David Janssen of “The Fugitive” had hired The Defenders, maybe he wouldn’t have been on the lam for so long, toiling at so many darned jobs.)

FRIDAY

“Walt Disney” (1954-1990) *

“Adventures in Paradise” (1959-62)

“The Dick Powell Show” (1961-63)

* but it came and went many times in between

With family fare to start things off Friday, JTV wouldn’t be complete without Disney. You can call it “Walt Disney Presents” or “Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color” or “Disneyland” or “The Wonderful World of Disney” or “Disney’s Wonderful World” or “The Magical World of Disney” or just plain “Walt Disney.”

The kid in us wants “Zorro” or “Davy Crockett”; the adult in us wants something a little more low-key. That’s where “Adventures in Paradise” comes in. Ever since I discovered it about 15 years ago, I’ve wondered why Gardner McKay never became a bigger star.

“The Dick Powell Show,” which wraps up the week, is one of the few old anthologies I’ve been able to find, and it’s a good one. The fine acting and excellent scripts make you feel like you’re watching grown-up TV.

*

Good thing there are 24 hours in a day. That means I’d have someplace to schedule some of my runners-up:

“Laredo,” “The Bob Newhart Show,” “Cheyenne,” “Sugarfoot,” “The Outcasts,” “Bourbon Street Beat,” “The Prisoner,” “Playhouse 90,” “Judd for the Defense,” “Columbo,” “Green Acres,” “The Beverly Hillbillies,” “The Phil Silvers Show,” “Wagon Train,” “The Red Skelton Show,” “The Jackie Gleason Show,” “The Jack Benny Program,” “The Bold Ones,” “Lancer,” “Bakersfield P.D.,” “Bonanza,” “Gunsmoke,” “Police Story,” “The Name of the Game,” “Leave It to Beaver,” “Alfred Hitchcock Presents,” “The Twilight Zone,” “Rawhide,” “The Virginian,” “Bronco,” “Hec Ramsey,” “Burke’s Law,” “Hogan’s Heroes,” “The Outer Limits,” “Death Valley Days,” “Mr. Ed,” “Nichols,” “Tales of Wells Fargo,” “Run for Your Life,” “Route 66,” and “12 O’clock High.”

What would your dream prime-time lineup look like? Would you go with the old standbys or more contemporary favorites? Would you schedule theme nights or have a mix? Let us know and we’ll print the responses in a future Retro TV column. Send your lineup to Retro, Times Orange County, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or fax us at (714) 966-7790.