Punch Lines

Long Ago, Far Away: The chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Henry Hyde, blamed his affair of 30 years ago on “youthful indiscretion.” “He could have tried to pass the buck altogether by blaming it on the ‘60s.” (Gary Easley)

A Different Tune: “Remember the good old days when Democrats were singing ‘Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow?’ ” Easier said than done. Republicans won’t stop ‘Thinking About Yesterday.’ ” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Oh, No!: “Hear about this guy who stowed away in the landing gear of a jet flying from Honduras to Miami? He held onto the wheel on the front of the plane. You know the strange part? The guy had a ticket to fly first class, but he crawled into landing gear when he saw that the in-flight movie was ‘The Avengers.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Fill ‘Er Up: A planeload of cocaine was seized after the aircraft ran out of gas. “There was so much coke on board, the nose of the plane may have to be rebuilt.” (Joe Kevany)

Pat on the Hand: The IRS has reprimanded more than a dozen senior managers for breaking rules and setting collection quotas. “The IRS commissioner said, ‘Rest assured if this happens again, these people will get a stern talking-to and maybe even an icy glare.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Big Purchase: The TBS network has just purchased a package of 180 “Seinfeld” episodes at a price of $1 million an episode. “Which, if I’m not mistaken, works out to--what?--about $1.89 per ‘yadda.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

A Cereal Study: A research study shows that children who eat breakfast at school have better attendance, higher grades and fewer disciplinary problems. “Tony the Tiger responded, ‘That’s grrrreat!’ ” (Paul Ecker)

Slow Poke: Scientists recently extracted DNA from a tortoise. “Ironically, it’s very similar to the DNA found in postal workers.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Lead the Way!: “Last week, Geraldine Ferraro met with her transition team, to help ease her from obscurity into oblivion.” (David Letterman)

Playing the Numbers: The president is facing some serious allegations--the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Whitewater, campaign funding. Clinton will be the only president to serve eight years in the White House and then 10 years in the Big House. (Reno Goodale)

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