LAUGH LINES
Ready, Aim, Fire: President Clinton took time out from the Kosovo crisis to play golf. “The White House said the reason he was playing golf was to relieve the stress, and you’ve got to admit it’s a lot better than his old way of relieving stress.” (Jay Leno)
Ready, Aim, Fire II: NATO stepped up attacks on Yugoslavia. “Or as President Clinton calls it, the ‘Golf War.’ ” (Leno)
Hold Your Fire: The U.S. Navy is reportedly running out of missiles. “Shortage of bombs? Call CBS.” (David Letterman)
On the Campaign Trail: A newspaper claims to have photos of George Bush Jr. dancing naked on a bar. “Sounds presidential to me.” (Letterman)
Happy Birthday: Al Gore turned 51. “Could you imagine how boring Al Gore is. His birthday suit is actually a suit.” (Leno)
Trying Times: Dr. Jack Kevorkian was found guilty of second-degree murder. “Reportedly, Kevorkian is very depressed about it, saying, ‘I’ve lost the will to help people who’ve lost the will to live.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)
Order in the Court: A federal judge has struck down a rule banning sex toys in Alabama. “Boy, there’s a victory celebration you don’t want to miss.” (Steve Voldseth)
Price Pump: Gas prices have reportedly made their biggest surge since the Kuwait invasion. “The oil companies are blaming cuts in OPEC production, problems at California refineries and, oh yeah, greed.” (Daily Scoop)
Changing Channels: CBS is set to purchase King World, owners of “Wheel of Fortune.” “The deal calls for CBS to pay $2.5 billion for stock and a number of vowels to be named later.” (Bob Mills)
What a Ride: Fabio was hit in the face by a low-flying bird during a roller-coaster ride. “Immediately afterward, hundreds of birds lined up for the new Hit Fabio in the Face Ride.” (O’Brien)
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The Essential
David Letterman
Top 10 hilarious April Fools’ Day pranks in the Mafia:
10. Tell a guy you’re going to shoot him, then kill him with a brick.
9. Tape sign to informant’s back that reads: “Whack me.”
8. The old “nondrying cement shoes” gag.
7. Put body in big paper bag, place it on somebody’s doorstep, light it on fire, ring doorbell, run away.
6. Phone local Teamsters office, say, “This is Jimmy Hoffa--any messages for me?”
5. Call up Domino’s; order a pizza for Mr. Foghead A. Boutit.
4. The old severed finger in the hot dog bun trick.
3. Replace someone’s “Godfather” tape with a “Teletubbies” video.
2. Instead of horse’s head, rig it so somebody wakes up next to Linda Tripp.
1. Three words: squirting pinkie rings.
Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.