In the Internet Era, Everyone Is, Indeed, a (Movie) Critic

Tired of being at the mercy of a gaggle of crusty, old white men when it comes time to choose a movie? Thanks to the dazzling democracy of the Internet, movie criticism is no longer solely the domain of a select few. Have html and a notion or two, and you too could be giving the electronic thumbs up or down to Hollywood fodder.

Or search the sites and find a critic who matches your own, idiosyncratic tastes in the cinematic arts:

Mr. Cranky (https://www.mrcranky.com/), the Web’s most curmudgeonly critic, is the anti-Mikey. He hates everything. Monsieur Crank rates movies from “barely tolerable” (one bomb) to “as good as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick” (four bombs). On rare occasions (“The Avengers,” “Lethal Weapon 4”), he rates a film “so godawful that it ruptured the very fabric of space and time with the sheer overpowering force of its mediocrity.” Gripe and groan with fellow malcontents at the thoughtfully provided bulletin board.

A scarcity in the proper press, paid female critics are hard to come by online as well. Girls on Film (https://www.girlson.com/) is a Web site devoted to estrogen-enhanced filmic appreciation. The spirit of Sassy magazine lives on here in a very pink and awfully cute movie e-zine wherein the editors resolve to be as girly as they want to be. With an intensely personal style of journalist-as-best friend reportage, Girls on Film features an array of endearing features such as “Bad Hair,” a review of the good, the bad and the so-bad-it’s-good in celebrity coiffures caught on celluloid. Other sections include “Diagnosis Neurosis,” in which a licensed social worker offers her clinical 2 cents about, for instance, why Jodie Foster couldn’t commit in “Contact.” “Kitty Litter” gives you the latest scoop, and the resident poet offers haikus about movies.

Alternative Web-based movie reviewing has been available for so long now that the original teen movie critic has had to retire as he is no longer a teenager. In his stead is teen critic No. 2, Vivian Rose, a 13-year-old girl from Winslow, Ark. Rose did not care for “The Mod Squad,” the big-screen adaptation of a TV series that ran years and years before she was born (https://www.dreamagic.com/vivianrose/teencritic1.html).

For filmgoers seeking a black perspective, the daily papers are woefully lacking. One site, Black Eye on Film (https://home.navisoft.com/bam/page2.htm), explains its raison d’e^tre rather simply: “We see things differently” is the site’s motto.

As the Web is wont to do, many movie review sites feature wild and wacky perspectives. The Filthy Critic at https://www.bigempire.com/filthy/ employs fingers other than the thumb to show how he feels about a movie and rates them from, er, satisfying, as it were, to “bottom of the . . . barrel.”

Other individualistic sites include “Deconstructing Edward” at https://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/8335/, 1,000-word reviews from a neurotic film student; https://www.dananddan.com/, where Dan and Dan offer “irreverent reviews for a post-modern, post-industrial, post-internal combustion engine, film-savvy world”; and https://www.geocities.com/ ~aral/rmain.html, where “mutant reviewers from hell” reflect on cult movies and such.

Movie Reviews in Rhyme (https://www.datasync.com/ ~booda/rir/movies.html) is a swell site where visitors can submit their own cinema-inspired poetry. Of the film “Striptease,” one poet wrote, “Her bod Demi bared/And nobody cared.” Other reviewers attempt to rhyme “Godzilla” with “thrilla,” and “Almacy” (of “The English Patient”) with “saucy.” Also featured are a sonnet on “Titanic” and several group-written poems by Miss Dana’s 7th Grade English Class. Of “Austin Powers,” the seventh-graders wrote: “He’s been frozen for a long, long time/He’s the ultimate defense against crime.”

Have conviction but lack html know-how? Movie Eye (https://www.movieeye.com/critic.shtml) is looking for a few keen eyes.

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Erika Milvy writes about arts and entertainment from her home in San Francisco. She can be reached at erika@well.com.