Golf Without All That Pastoral Tranquillity

By AARON CURTISS

Aug. 5, 1999 12 AM PT

It is at about my age--as the knees stiffen and the belly droops--that many men discover the allure of the links. But the golf course holds no charm for me. Perhaps it was those lessons as a kid. Or maybe it’s that I just don’t get it.

If golf were more like “Links Extreme,” then maybe I might join those gents lining up at dawn outside the clubhouse of my neighborhood course. But then again, if golf were more like “Links Extreme,” neighbors of courses would have a lot more to worry about than the occasional broken window.

See, this is golf for yahoos, golf for guys who think explosions are cool. In other words, “Links Extreme” by Microsoft for the PC is my kind of golf game. Lots of stuff explodes. Armadillos. Ball trucks. German biplanes. Other golfers.

It’s hard to explain, but the secret of “Links Extreme” lies in the balls. Players can opt to swap the traditional white ball for a delightful array of grenades, frag bombs and 13-pounders. Knocking them into targets on the driving range is loads of fun.

But it’s even more fun to play golf with live ammunition. Thanks to a rift in the time-space coordinates, players can enjoy 18 holes on a course cut through a World War I battlefield. Hazards include foxholes and ravaged buildings. Even as the skies turn red with fire, though, players must concentrate on their shots. Just because things go boom in “Links Extreme” doesn’t mean it’s not a serious golf game.

Depending on which option players choose, the game can proceed as a pretty standard round of golf. But then there is--and I never thought I’d write these words--death-match golf. Sure, the number of strokes counts, but it’s even more important to blow up opponents before they reach the green.

If it all sounds tasteless and boorish, that’s because it is. But the odd juxtaposition of a technical golf game and an immature blast fest works in the same way that the “Three Stooges” works. It appeals inexplicably to some innately male sensibility.

I doubt many women will understand it.

“Links Extreme” requires a Pentium 200 with 32 megabytes of RAM.

“Super Mario Bros. Deluxe” and “R-Type DX”

With Game Boy Color, everything old is new again. I complained to Nintendo and its licensees early in the machine’s life cycle for merely splashing old games with a little color rather than rolling out a bunch of new titles.

What began as a peeve has turned into outright frustration, particularly as Nintendo rolls out two more oldies updated from its archives--”Super Mario Bros. Deluxe” and “R-Type DX.”

Perhaps it’s too much to ask. Few software developers are turning out anything original these days. On every platform, most games look and play like Frankenstein-ish amalgams. At least Nintendo has resurrected quality games.

“Super Mario Bros. Deluxe” is a full-featured version of the old 8-bit game. The conversion seems smooth enough, and there’s very little not to like--which is just the way I felt when the original game made its debut 14 years ago. Granted, the Game Boy Color version includes a few extras, such as the ability to make stickers and record special dates. Still, I’d rather play new games.

The bonus in “R-Type DX” is that players get both “R-Type” and “R-Type II” on the same cartridge--and this time they’re both in color. It’s actually a great improvement for this side-scrolling shooter. Enemies are easier to see. The strong game play remains intact.

Nice for now, but let’s hope that the holiday season brings a few new games.

“Ultimate 8 Ball”

The opening scene of “Ultimate 8 Ball” for Sony PlayStation gives new meaning to the word “gratuitous.” All professional pool players I’ve seen on television are unhealthy-looking white guys. Yet for some reason, “Ultimate 8 Ball” opens with a buxom woman in leather shorts and a red bra-top.

Purists will argue that that little sequence has nothing to do with the game. My point exactly. What follows is a very nice billiards game with a variety of matches and modes of play. Why mess it up with sex?

The camera offers unobstructed views of the table, and players can easily switch to other angles. Ball physics appear natural, and the graphics are very sharp. The range of games ensures that players won’t get bored easily.

Rack ‘em.

To comment on a column or to suggest games for review, send e-mail to aaron.curtiss@latimes.com.

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Essentials

Links Extreme

Platform: PC

Publisher: Microsoft

ESRB* rating: Everyone

Price: $39.95

Bottom Line: Golf for yahoos

R-Type DX

Platform: Game Boy Color