LAUGH LINES

On the Campaign Trail: Though rumors continue to swirl, Texas Gov. George W. Bush will only say he hasn’t used drugs in the past 20 years. “I still don’t think he gets it. Today, he laid out his plans for his White House anti-drug campaign if he gets elected. He’s calling it Just Say No Comment.” (Steve Voldseth)

Happy Birthday: President Clinton had his 53rd birthday last week, but the White House kept celebration plans secret until the last minute. “Sure, nuclear secrets they give away like Halloween candy, but Clinton’s birthday plans? Forget about it.” (Daily Scoop)

Speaking of the President: The Clintons are house-hunting in New York. “Reportedly she wants a formal living room and he wants a back staircase that doesn’t creak.” (Conan O’Brien)

For a Good Cause: Several countries are marking the United Nations’ International Peace Day with a soccer tournament in September. “What a great idea! Where else can you celebrate peace and riot in the stands at the same time?” (Ira Lawson)

Now You Tell Us: A London judge ruled that Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall were never legally married. “The judge also ruled that Keith Richards passed on in 1968 but was never notified.” (Bob Mills)

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