Section Gee! Advice, Humor, Comics, Horoscope, Kids : Off-Kilter : Whither the Warlock in Hollywood?

Salem, 1990s-Style: Hollywood has been catching a ton of flak over the lack of ethnic minorities in the new fall TV schedule, but nobody has stood up for another underrepresented group: warlocks.

Although female witches seem to be coming out of the broom closet in droves (“Sabrina, the Teenage Witch,” “Charmed,” “Bewitched,” “Martha Stewart Living”), warlocks continue to suffer from blatant hexism.

We deplore this tragic situation. How are young male witches supposed to develop healthy self-esteem when they see no positive role models in the media?

But please note that our defense of warlocks isn’t intended to downplay the hardships endured by other agents of Satan, especially witches. Despite their growing clout in the entertainment industry, female spell-casters continue to be misunderstood and discriminated against.

For example, Phyllis Curott, a self-described attorney and witch from New York, has publicly denounced the hit film “The Blair Witch Project” because of its negative stereotypes of witches.

In response, the movie’s producers have reportedly agreed to add a disclaimer to the film, according to Wireless Flash News Service.

However, witches now face another problem: a severe shortage of caldrons. According to a witch supply store in Maryland, North American companies have stopped manufacturing the big iron pots, a move that has driven up prices to $300 to $500 a caldron.

Weird Polls Bureau: Which would you rather read: the latest boring presidential poll (in the race between Al Gore and George W. Bush, 15% now favor Gore, 17% like Bush and 68% said they’d move to Oregon and volunteer for the state’s legalized euthanasia program) or a survey on the celebrity with whom Americans would most like to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Good, you’ve come to the right place. Here are the latest useless statistics from social scientists:

* 9% of American women find Drew Carey “inexplicably attractive,” according to a survey by New Woman magazine.

* 16% of men say they get turned on when a woman sweats during the first date, according to a survey by Arrid deodorant.

* The celebrity with whom Americans would most like to devour a PB&J; sandwich is Elvis Presley. Runners-up are Bill Clinton, Abe Lincoln, John Wayne and Marilyn Monroe.

* Unusual uses for cellular phones include hurling them as weapons, leaving them in the freezer, cutting them up with saws and letting relatives listen in while expectant moms give birth, according to a survey by PrimeCo. The survey also revealed that 15% of wireless users talk on the phone while in the bathroom, women are 67% more likely to snoop through a partner’s phone bill looking for suspicious numbers, and 2% of cellular customers give names to their phones (monikers include Big Daddy, Tweetie and Butt Phone).

Lunatic Fringe Bureau: An Oregon researcher claims humans develop a sudden craving for popcorn 72 hours before an earthquake hits.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Toothless Vampire Forced to Raid Blood Banks! Desperate Ghoul Has to Settle for Bottled Blood Instead of Live Fixes” (Weekly World News)

That’s what happens when you don’t floss after each victim.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.