Sure, Millennium Fever Is Exciting, but These Ideas Are Just Big Zeros

Millennium Overdose Bureau: Dick Clark must be stopped. In the 30 or so centuries since his debut in the Far East (where he hosted “Mongolian Bandstand”), he has been responsible for a string of marginal entertainment ventures, including “Genghis Khan’s Bloopers & Practical Jokes” (sample episode: Genghis accidentally invades Turkey instead of Persia), “The 25,000-Shekel Great Pyramid” of ancient Egypt (sample question: “Name things you’d find in a sarcophagus”) and “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Chinese New Year’s Eve” special in 4th-century Beijing.

Now he may have started another annoying trend.

In September, “America’s oldest teenager” appeared in Times Square to help launch Millenios, which are Cheerios with little “2s” added so people can spell out “2000” in their breakfast cereal.

Other companies are following suit. Franco-American just unveiled SpaghettiOs 2000, with tiny pasta “2s” replacing some of the 1,750 O’s in a normal 15-ounce can.

And Goodyear is considering plans to manufacture every fourth tire in the shape of a “2.”

Animal Mind-Meld Bureau: A Los Angeles pet psychic claims she has telepathically asked various celebrity animals what they want for Christmas. Unfortunately, most of the answers she got were boring. Morris the cat wanted “a toy rubber mouse” and Gidget, the diminutive canine who portrays the Taco Bell Chihuahua, requested “a nice sweater and some bones.”

So Off-Kilter hired its own animal psychic. The results:

* Mr. Ed wants a karaoke machine.

* Lassie wants a computer so she can write a memoir on what a dolt Timmy was, always getting himself into jams that even a dog could figure out how to fix.

* The Taco Bell Chihuahua wants peace on Earth, good will toward men and for everyone to drop the chalupa.

* Barney wants all the children who visit him in the future to plunge daggers into his purple body. Really. Trust us.

* The Trix Rabbit has abandoned all hope of getting a box of Trix and is willing to settle for some Millenios.

Why Academics Shouldn’t Celebrate Christmas: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is actually a girl. Ditto for Donner, Blitzen and the other sleigh-pullers, according to “The Science of Christmas,” a TV special that will air Dec. 22 on the Discovery Channel. The tip-off: Male reindeer lose their antlers during the winter.

In related news, when Rudolph was asked by a Los Angeles pet psychic what she wants for Christmas, the reindeer said she’s bored with the red light at the end of her nose and would like to replace it with a lava lamp.

Lunatic Fringe Bureau: A North Dakota minister who claims to regularly communicate with the spirit world says he has received word that anyone who votes for Al Gore will be sent to hell after death.

Weird Polls: A new survey shows that 79% of Americans think the media distort facts. Then again, we could be making this item up.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “The Second Coming . . . of Elvis! Thousands of Americans Believe the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll Will Descend From Heaven on New Year’s Day!” (Weekly World News)

And if his bloated body happens to land on Dick Clark, so be it.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Kenny Noble Cortes. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.