Let’s See Him Weasel His Way Out of This One

Mike Tyson has been called a lot of things. Up until now, ferret abuser hasn’t been one of them.

A volunteer ferret rescuer claims she took one dead ferret and another scared one from Tyson’s Las Vegas home last month after being called to the residence by one of the former heavyweight champion’s aides.

Animal control officers are trying to determine who actually owned the animals, but C.J. Jones said she was told they were Tyson’s when she went to the house.

Jones, who runs 24-Carat Ferret Rescue out of her home, said she and another rescue worker found one dead ferret and another frantically pacing at the top of a cage in Tyson’s backyard Nov. 18.

Jones said the cage had no food or water and the surviving ferret appeared malnourished.

No word whether the ferret’s ears had been bitten.

*

They’re No. 1! Florida State’s football team is No. 1 in another set of rankings: Findlaw’s Inc.’s Tarnished Twenty, which rates teams based on “criminal, civil and other violations by schools or associated individuals.”

Florida State is one of four Florida schools in the Tarnished Twenty, which is available on Findlaw’s Web site (https://sports.findlaw.com). The others are Central Florida at No. 10, Florida at 13 and Miami at 20.

Louisiana State is second, followed by Michigan, Notre Dame, Washington, Missouri, Kansas, UCLA, and Arizona.

*

Trivia time: Notre Dame has had seven Heisman Trophy winners. Who was the first?

*

Success story: St. Louis Ram Coach Dick Vermeil on quarterback Kurt Warner: “Kurt has gone way beyond my expectations. I told the whole squad that I started coaching in 1959, and I’ve never been around an athlete who can handle pressure better than this kid. That’s really inspired us all.”

Bernie Miklasz of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch notes that in three years, Warner has gone from the Arena League to NFL Europe, to the Rams’ third team, to Trent Green’s backup, to national stardom.

*

Kidding, of course: Rookie Philadelphia Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb has amused fans with his sense of humor. Asked by the Philadelphia Inquirer if not starting earlier ever made him complain to Coach Andy Reid, McNabb said:

“Yeah, I went into his office, threw my hat on his desk and said, ‘Now look, man, I want to play.’ Then I lifted his desk, turned it over and told him, ‘You’re going to play me, right?’ ”

*

Slanted opinion: Indiana Pacer Coach Larry Bird on the NBA: “The East used to have the defensive powers. But with the new rules, scoring is up and it’s hurt us. It’s a softer game now and the West has always had soft teams.”

Soft or not, the Lakers won five NBA championships in the 1980s, while Bird’s Celtics were winning three.

*

A victory, but . . . : Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe on the New England Patriots’ 13-6 win over the Dallas Cowboys:

“This was not a win so much as it was a non-loss. The Patriots have their W, but they better not get cocky. They were able to ring up ‘Dial-a-Stiff’ in their hour of need.”

*

Obnoxious kid: A kid yelling at the Philadelphia Flyers from a luxury suite in Ottawa’s Corel Centre: “Lindros [stinks]--whoever he is.”

*

Trivia answer: Quarterback Angelo Bertelli in 1943.

*

And finally: Authorities in Wisconsin reportedly have been unable to serve New York Knick star Latrell Sprewell and his father with a summons in a civil suit stemming from from a collision between a personal watercraft owned by Sprewell and a boat on Pewaukee Lake in 1998.

Said Michael Ventre of MSNBC: “OK. He’s dangerous on land. He’s dangerous on water. Only one more to go.”