He Can’t Keep Upper Lip Stiff for Tyson Fight

How thrilled are the English that Mike Tyson is going to grace their shores to fight another stiff?

All 20,000 seats for his fight against British champion Julius Francis Jan. 29 in Birmingham are sold, but that doesn’t impress Hugh McIlvanney of the London Sunday Times.

“The bearded lady and the two-headed dwarf may no longer draw crowds,” he wrote, “but Mike Tyson apparently has decided that there still is a market for a traveling freak show.”

And that was only his opening sentence.

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Tyson, Round 2: The headline on the story said “Yankee Go Home,” but McIlvanney’s prose was a lot less trite.

“Tyson’s strength at the box office was once based on his ability to spread a frisson of dread-tinged excitement through audiences that perceived him as the embodiment of malevolent destructiveness,” he wrote.

“But his powers have long been in decline, his credentials as an ogre have been shredded and what sells tickets now is a voyeuristic fascination with his recidivistic delinquency.”

And don’t ask Tyson what any of those words mean.

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Trivia time: Before golf balls were made of wound rubber, they were made of gutta-percha, which is what, exactly?

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Warming to the task: Now that he’s coaching football at Houston instead of Wyoming, Dana Dimel thinks recruiting will be much easier.

“If I can get 18 players to come from Texas to Laramie with eight inches of snow on the ground and a temperature of three degrees, I think I can convince them to stay home,” Dimel said.

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Nothing to snort at: Has Libyan leader Moammar Kadafi really thought this thing through?

His son, Al-Saad, is a member of Libya’s national soccer team--whether on merit or name is unknown--and now wants to improve enough “to be the best player in Africa within one or two years.”

To that end, he has hired a personal trainer. His pick? Banned Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson, who was recommended by once-banned Argentine soccer player Diego Maradona.

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Sticky situation: The Florida Marlins want a new stadium in Miami. They also want about $300 million in taxpayer money to help build it.

Don Paul, an attorney who unsuccessfully opposed the Miami Heat building a waterfront arena in town, doesn’t like the Marlins’ plan any better but thinks it will fly.

“I’m afraid the public is again going to get the fuzzy end of the lollipop,” he said.

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The marketplace: Michael Jordan topped a list of 25 athletes on the All-Millennium Sports Marketing Team compiled by marketing executive Brandon Steiner.

Following Jordan on the list were Muhammad Ali, Arnold Palmer, Babe Ruth and Joe Namath.

Also on the list were Tiger Woods, Mia Hamm, Wayne Gretzky and Dennis Rodman.

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Turnaround: The upcoming game between Indianapolis and Washington has given the Washington Post’s Tony Kornheiser a new perspective on the year.

“Everything you need to know about this volcanic NFL season,” he wrote, “is contained in this once-absurd juxtaposition: The Redskins can’t beat Indianapolis, but they should waltz through the 49ers.”

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Trivia answer: A Southeast Asian gum tree whose sap was used in the manufacture of golf balls.

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And finally: In 1999, Woods won eight events on the PGA Tour and banked more than $6.6 million.

So what?

So, says Golf Journal, that’s more money than Sam Snead, Billy Casper, Gene Littler, Doug Sanders and Don January together earned in their careers despite winning 191 tournaments.