You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, but Your Coordination Is Execrable

Peanuts Gallery: Ever since “Peanuts” cartoonist Charles Schulz announced his retirement, readers have been wondering what will happen in the final installments of the comic.

So Off-Kilter commandeered Caltech’s experimental time machine and sent our time-traveling journalist into the future for a preview of the strip’s final days:

* Dec. 29: Charlie Brown misses the football and accidentally kicks Lucy’s head off. Despite heroic efforts by Rex Morgan, MD, Lucy is pronounced dead at the scene.

* Dec. 30: Linus enters the Betty Ford Clinic to overcome his blanket addiction.

* Dec. 31: Schroeder changes his name to the Artist Formerly Known as Schroeder. He begins writing hit singles for ‘N Sync.

* Jan. 1: During aerial combat with the Red Baron, Snoopy’s Sopwith Camel crashes because of a Y2K computer glitch.

* Jan. 2: Pigpen marries Martha Stewart. Peppermint Patty begins dating Ellen DeGeneres.

* Jan. 3: Woodstock overdoses on steroids in an effort to replace Big Bird on “Sesame Street.”

* Jan. 4: The Great Pumpkin appears on “The Jerry Springer Show” in an episode titled “Oversized Vegetables Who Haunt Young Children.”

Lunatic Fringe Bureau: A retired garbage man in Michigan claims an eighth day will be added to the week starting in March. According to Wireless Flash News Service, Lewis Striggow says the angel Gabriel informed him the new day would be called Peaceday and would fit between Saturday and Sunday. In addition, March and September will be trimmed to three weeks each to avoid messing up the 365-day year.

Millennial Machinations: The debate over when the millennium begins is still raging. On one side, the pope, CNN and many other authorities say Jan. 1, 2000, is the proper date. But scientists and historians insist on Jan. 1, 2001.

It seems the only way to settle the matter is a compromise, says the Annals of Improbable Research: “Therefore, the new millennium begins on July 1, 2000.”

Equine Artifacts Department: A green blanket worn by Secretariat, the horse who won the Triple Crown in 1973, is expected to fetch more than $13,000 at an Internet auction sponsored by Sotheby’s.

Sounds like Linus isn’t the only blanket addict.

Alarming Trends Report: Cardinal Laboratories has introduced the Rodeo Fragrance Collection, a line of perfumes for dogs. And Friskies is offering a “Millennium Memories Scrapbook” for pet owners who want to record their animal’s birth date, first bath, first trip to the veterinarian, first day of being housebroken, etc.

No word on whether there’s a spot to record the day your pet gets neutered.

Weird Polls Bureau: In a survey by Qtopics on what questions Americans would like to ask the presidential candidates, 16% said they’d ask Donald Trump if he wears a toupee.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Ever Want to Kill Somebody on the Other End of the Telephone? Now You Can! New Ultrasound Device Makes People’s Heads Explode!” (Weekly World News)

We can see the bumper sticker possibilities: “Don’t Like My Driving? Call (800) KA-BOOM!”

Unpaid Informants: Susanna Timmons, Ann Harrison, Allison Joyce, Wireless Flash News. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Effective in March, the column will also appear on Peacedays.