LAUGH LINES

Recitation of the Day: Yesterday we celebrated the phrase ‘Ooooooooh, thank you. It’s perfect!’ Today we celebrate the phrase, ‘Excuse me, do you have this in my size?’ ” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Dead Man Talking: “How many of you saw ‘Meet the Press’ with Al Gore and Bill Bradley? . . . I didn’t see it, either. But they had a thing going there. And Al Gore, he wants to have like a weekly debate with Bill Bradley, and he kept trying to get Bill Bradley to shake his hands. . . . You can’t blame 1/8Bradley 3/8. Nobody wants to touch a dead guy.” (David Letterman)

On a Roll: UPN has inked a deal to produce ‘The Great Monster Truck Race,’ a one-hour February sweeps special pitting gargantuan trucks against one another. “UPN is starting to make the Fox network look like PBS.” (Mark Wheeler)

A Date With the Devil: A Toyota television commercial reportedly airing in France contains satanic symbols. “Come on. All cars have horns.” (Daily Scoop)

The Devil’s Due: “Moammar Kadafi appeared on CBS’ ‘Early Show’ with Bryant Gumbel and said Americans should be worried this holiday season because, quote, ‘Everybody hates Americans.’ Kadafi shocked viewers further when he later proclaimed that he and Gumbel were moving to Vermont to get married.” (Craig Kilborn)

Heavy Duty: “The people behind an upcoming Monica Lewinsky movie have chosen an unknown actress to play the part. That woman has to be under a lot of pressure. After all, the role of Monica Lewinsky is a pretty big part.” (Andrew Wisot)

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