LAUGH LINES

Fighting Fire With . . .: “Did you ever see how they fight these big fires out here [in Southern California]? They use these huge water-dropping planes. They fly over the fire, a door opens under the belly and the water drops out. It’s the same technique Southwest uses with the luggage.” (Jay Leno)

Packing a Wallop: “Since courthouses in Los Angeles and Orange counties have had airport-like security, marshals have found lawyers carrying guns. They need protection when they present their clients their bills.” (Gary Easley)

*

The Essential David Letterman

Things First-Time Visitors to New York Say

10. “I’ll give you $10 to pull up your pants.”

9. “Them rats is big enough to milk.”

8. “Could you please not point that at me, Mr. Puffy?”

7. “If we get separated, I’ll meet you at Starbucks.”

6. “I’ll thank you to stop vomiting on my wife, sir.”

4. “A date with you? I don’t even know you, young lady.”

2. “No hookers, no X-rated movies, no drug dealers--this place sucks!”

1. “I know my ticket’s for next week, but dear God, is there any way to leave today?”

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, SoCal Living, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053.