LAUGH LINES

Starr-Crossed: Kenneth Starr has reportedly concluded that he can indict President Clinton while he’s in office. “I don’t know what’s the greater issue: the separation of powers or Starr’s separation from reality. Quick, somebody rent that man ‘Les Miserables.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Bowl-ed Over: Atlanta Falcon Eugene Robinson was charged with solicitation the night before the big game. “Of course, what’ll happen here is that he’ll get community service and a fine. It’s the same kind of deal the Senate is going to give Clinton.” (David Letterman)

Bowl-ed Over II: “There is something desperately wrong when our sports heroes start behaving like presidents.” (Letterman)

Bowl-ed Over Again: “Robinson admitted he acted improperly but strongly emphasized that he never asked the cop to lie or cover up their relationship.” (Chris Pina)

Times Change: Dennis Rodman said he was puzzled when the Chicago Bulls let him go. “Usually, whenever he gets a pink slip, it comes with a matching bra.” (Argus Hamilton)

Rev It Up: Ford announced a deal to buy Volvo’s automobile division. “The first car they make together ought to be the Fjord Thunderbird.” (Hamilton)

Tasty Item: Health authorities in Shanghai have discovered that several of the city’s popular “hot pot” restaurants have been adding opium poppies to their mainstay dish in an effort to keep customers coming back for more. “It brings new meaning to the phrase ‘happy meal.’ ” (Ira Lawson)

Medical Feat: Evel Knievel underwent a liver transplant. “When the liver became available, Knievel jumped at the chance.” (Johnny Robish)

Groovy: NBC will air the miniseries “The ‘60s.” “It’s the ultimate baby boomer movie. It’s all about the drugs they used to do back then, the marijuana, the LSD, the hash. The ironic thing is, it’s sponsored by all the drugs the baby boomers do now: Metamucil, Centrum Silver, Ex-Lax. . . .” (Jay Leno)

Groovy II: “The miniseries really shows you how out of control kids were back then: uninhibited, self-indulgent, free love, sex without guilt--you know, it’s hard to believe this is the same generation that gave us Bill Clinton.” (Leno)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Top things heard outside “She’s All That”:

10. “I didn’t like it that much--she only seemed ‘some that.’ ”

9. “At first, I thought, ‘She’s none of that,’ but by the end, I had completely changed my mind.”

8. “Oh--I misread the title. I thought it was ‘She’s All Hats.’ ”

5. “I haven’t seen so much that since ‘That Thing You Do.’ ”

3. “I can’t even wait for the sequel, ‘She’s Even That-ier.’ ”

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