Fangs Maybe, but No Hunger Pangs

LAPD detectives found a “very large” snake left inside a locked vehicle for three days without food or water, but authorities declined to prosecute the owner. The reason, according to the Thin Blue Line, a publication of the L.A. Police Protective League, was that “snakes can go several days without food.”

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LETTER IMPERFECT: Writers are constantly claiming they get no respect in Hollywood. And they won’t be reassured by an ad that misspells what they do (see accompanying). On the other hand, Jack Rooney of San Diego noticed a parking area that seems to be limited to authors (see photo). Others will be towed at “ownerd” expense.

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SHOP FOR MASOCHISTS? Jill Sangermano of Culver City isn’t sure what a “HARMACY” is (see photo) but doesn’t want to find out.

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L.A. VERSE: This column’s search for a poet laureate for L.A. has brought forth several submissions. But Larry Hunter cautioned me not to be hasty. As he put it:

We do have a laureate

He’s just so darn poor at it.

But please don’t scream

All cross and zealous.

He has to dream

In Los Angeles.

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FOR YOUR “DUH!” COLLECTION: Betty Barnett of Pomona noticed that her windshield sunshade warned, “Remove before driving.” Her favorite homemade sunshade message was scrawled on another car: “WARNING: This vehicle protected by a large piece of cardboard.”

TOO BAD L.A. WASN’T INVITED TO THE PARTY: A 50th birthday can be a traumatic event--and such seems to be the case with KTTV, Channel 11. The station all but hid its half-century special, dividing it into two 30-minute segments that ran on Friday nights in the not-so-coveted 10:30 p.m. slot. Then again, Rupert Murdoch, who purchased KTTV in 1986, isn’t known for sentiment.

The remembrance, such as it was, offered several entertaining clips, including:

* Physical fitness buff Jack LaLanne splitting his pants while exercising.

* Morning show host Mario Machado swallowing a fly while on the air.

* Nasty talk show host Joe Pyne demanding of a stunned guest, “What the hell are you talking about?”

* And 1960s weatherman Jim Hawthorne handling his own graphics--a chalk board on which he had scrawled, “Mostly Sunny.” Odd how the weatherman’s technology has changed but the forecasts are still mostly “mostly sunny.”

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DOG VERSE: The comparison here of Dr. Ross, the retiring character on TV’s “ER,” and Dr. Ross, the onetime purveyor of dog food, “makes sense,” wrote Charlee Hutton. “Most women who look at George Clooney [Ross on ‘ER’] are thinking ‘Woof!’ in the ‘Hubba! Hubba!’ sense.”

Meanwhile, Penny Anderson wrote, “You’re driving me batty,” adding that 48 hours after she read the jingle, it was “STILL running through my head.”

But several readers, including Rosie Rosenlof, Jerrold Feldner and Frank Jones, chastised me for forgetting the last verse:

“Fido knows best. Woof! Fido knows best. Woof!”

Grrrrr.

miscelLAny:

A group of Cub Scouts in Pack 117 were receiving their awards at a grade school in Long Beach when one of the boys bolted for the restroom. “Scouts is all about nature,” observed one den leader. “And nature calls, I guess.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.