LAUGH LINES

What’s in a Name?: A tabloid is paying to test Bill Clinton’s DNA to see if he fathered a child by a black woman. “Even if it’s true, it only proves one thing about the president. His middle name isn’t Jefferson for nothing.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Down Side: President Clinton’s impeachment trial started Thursday. “If they find him guilty of lying about sex, he gets to become speaker of the House.” (Zack Taylor)

Think Again: House Speaker Danny Hastert says he wants to restore public faith that the U.S. Congress works for the people. “What is it with these GOP speakers? First we get an adulterer, and now we have a hallucinator.” (Hamilton)

Makes Cents: European Union nations launched a new currency this month. “The Euro creates the world’s second-largest economy. Right after Starbucks.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

On the Road: The Midwest was pounded by a massive snowstorm. “Traveling has been treacherous, even for people not going to Atlantic City casinos.” (the Daily Scoop)

On the Road II: A fourth bus crashed in New Jersey on the way to an Atlantic City casino. “Why gamble money when you can gamble with your life?” (Daily Scoop)

Chilling: The Midwest is digging out from the first blizzard of the year. “It was so cold in Minnesota, Jesse Ventura had to wear a shirt to his inauguration.” (Jay Leno)

Cult Tumult: Israeli police arrested several members of an apocalyptic cult. “Ironically, to honor the Middle East peace process, the group had named itself the Olive Branch Davidians.” (Joshua Sostrin)

The Skinny: Calista Flockhart says she suffers from panic attacks. “This goes back to her early acting days when she didn’t have much money and worried about where her next grape would come from.” (Gary Easley)

Taking a Page From O.J.: John Wayne Bobbitt is writing his autobiography, and in the book he compares the crime committed against him to the O.J. Simpson case. “To be fair, there are similarities. In both cases, someone lost a family member.” (Leno)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Little-known facts about Elizabeth Dole:

6. The real reason she left the Red Cross? Caught stealing gauze.

5. If elected, she would be America’s first female president since Warren Harding.

4. In “Star Wars” trilogy, she was the actor inside Chewbacca suit.

2. Remember Kool and the Gang? She was “Kool.”

1. Is actually Bob Dole’s daughter.

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