Comedian Is Called on the Carpet

Question: I read that you owned a carpet store in your pre-comedy career. True?

Answer: Yeah, in Toronto, Canada. Actually up till late ’77. I came out here in ’78.

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Q: That’s when you started this whole career, while on a business trip in L.A.?

A: The carpet business?

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Q: No. Your comedian business.

A: Oh--because nobody would ever dare you to go into the carpet business. Because you just might do it. Yes, I was out here on vacation in late ‘78, and I went to the Comedy Store because that was the place to see as a tourist. As luck would have it, it happened to be amateur night and my friends dared me to get up, and I was happy to because I was 3,000 miles away from home, so if I was to make a fool of myself, who would know? And again, as luck would have it, there was a producer in the audience. . . . When I came off the stage, he said, “Are you interested in doing television?” I told him that’s exactly what I had been pursuing over the last 15-16 minutes.

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Q: Why did your friends dare you? Were you always cuttin’ up?

A: You know, I’ve said this before, but everything I’ve ever been punished for, expelled for, in trouble for, is what I seem to get paid for today. It was perceived as a problem as a child and now a career as an adult. It was a natural transition. You know, if you look at any Rolodex, right after carpet comes comedy. It’s all alphabetical. It makes more sense than you think.

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Q: Did you get into trouble when you were a kid in school?

A: I was not the class clown per se. You know what I do a lot on my show now--I do a lot of hidden camera things--and just annoy people and bother people, and I lived for “Candid Camera.”

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Q: Sure. Allen Funt’s TV show.

A: I loved him. I thought I was Howie Funt, and I would create extravaganzas in my school that would cause a little bit of a hoopla--hiring a company to put an addition onto the library. And I didn’t have authority.

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Q: Did you have any outrageous punishment for doing that? What did your parents do?

A: Well, I was expelled. I never finished high school, but I don’t know how outrageous that is. And my parents, it was hard to reprimand me because in the end they would laugh. I remember my parents sitting in the office while the principal was screaming at them. “Your son Howard,”--I was always Howard--”has got three crews out here measuring for an addition to the library.” And I could just see my mother biting her lip because she didn’t know what to say. What do you say? “We told him never to do that. Never to put an addition onto the library.”

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Q: What kind of work did your mom and dad do?

A: My mom was in real estate. My dad was in the lighting business. Commercial lighting.

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Q: This is a pre-comedy question--what was the best job that you had?

A: I loved owning the carpet business. It was not much different than what I do now. It’s just a smaller audience. Even though I owned it--it was a shop-at-home service--I would go into peoples’ homes and entertain. I knew nothing about carpet. I have no sense of anything that has to do with carpeting or flooring. I would just entertain until they would buy.

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Q: Pre-comedy again--what’s the most fun you’ve had at work?

A: I used to work at an amusement park, and I ran one of these rides that goes around and around like a snake of cars that just whip around. I had the controls and a microphone, and I’d yell, “Do you wanna go faster?” And everybody would scream, “Yes!” and I’d say, “You wanna go faster?” and they’d scream, “Yes!” Then I’d say, “In five seconds make sure your orange shoulder harness is done up over your left shoulder. We’re going upside down--five, four, three, two, one.” There was no orange shoulder harness, and it didn’t go upside down, but the people didn’t know that, and just to watch them scream in horror as they thought that they were about to end their existence as they knew it was enjoyable.

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Q: What was one of the worst jobs you ever had to do?

A: I had an egg salad sandwich cart at a bingo hall.

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Q: How old were you?

A: About 14. They had egg salad sandwiches and sodas that they would sell in between the early bird game and the real games. I wore a Pepsi-Cola paper cap and a bow tie, and I pushed a cart, yelling out, “Egg salad. Egg salad.”

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Q: How long did that last?

A: I still do it on Saturdays. . . . I did it for about a year.

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Q: What’s the hardest part of your job?

A: The hardest part of my job--the research into all the people that I have to talk to. In high school I didn’t do a lot of homework. Now at this point in my life I have a ton of homework.

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Q: How do you deal with the stress?

A: I use it. I need it. I mean, that stress and that nervous energy are my fuel for performance. If I have no stress and I feel complacent, I would imagine that would show in my performance.

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Q: What’s something most people don’t know about you?

A: I’m actually a 4-foot, 8-inch Asian woman.

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Q: One last thing--any advice for people buying new carpets?

A: Don’t buy carpet from me. I’m colorblind. Go to somebody who’s not colorblind and knows something about it.

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“The Howie Mandel Show” airs at 4 p.m. weekdays on CBS.