LAUGH LINES
Role Reversal: An Arkansas prostitute says Bill Clinton is the father of her son. “If the allegations are true, say political experts, this could bring the president to his knees. Well, there’s a switch!” (Steve Voldseth)
Fire When Ready: Sen. Strom Thurmond, age 96, relinquished his chairmanship of the Senate Armed Services Committee. “Committee members became concerned when he proposed an increase in defense spending ‘because muskets and powder ain’t gettin’ any cheaper.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)
Semantics: President Clinton says the Social Security system is now 100% Y2K compliant. “Is that the same ‘is’ as ‘is’?” (Dave Nathan)
You Name It: Republican Sen. Bob Smith announced that he is running for president. “You know things are bad for the Republicans when their candidates for president are too embarrassed to use their real names. ‘Yeah, I’m Bob Smith and I’m running for president. This is my vice president, John Doe.’ ” (Jay Leno)
Fire Up the Presses: Time and Newsweek have interviews with suspected terrorist Osama bin Laden. “Why is it Time and Newsweek can track this guy down, but the FBI and the CIA have no idea where he is? Why don’t we just pay Time and Newsweek to kill the guy?” (Leno)
Play Ball: The NBA and the players’ union reached an agreement to begin what’s left of the season the first week of February. “You know what that means: Shaquille O’Neal only has about three weeks to practice missing free throws.” (Mark Wheeler)
Good Dog: The first antidepressants for dogs have been approved by the government. Owners will have to get the pills from veterinarians, “whose first challenge will be getting the dog to sit and stay on a very small psychiatrist’s couch.” (Wheeler)
Such a Deal: TV’s Frugal Gourmet, Jeff Smith, has reportedly agreed to pay $5 million for sexually harassing seven boys--”$5 million for seven boys or, as Michael Jackson calls it, a bargain.” (Leno)
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The Essential David Letterman
Top ways the NBA can win back fans:
10. If fans don’t buy tickets, Shaquille makes another movie.
8. Once a week, let a fan choke Latrell Sprewell.
7. Find a way to give that Michael Jordan guy a little more exposure.
6. If the players really are in it for the love of the game, pay the fans millions of dollars and let the players shell out $75 a night.
5. Players go to homes of season ticket holders to change out-of-reach lightbulbs.
3. Here’s a thought--how ‘bout someone other than the Bulls winning once in a while?
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