LAUGH LINES

Hail to Whom?: President Clinton delivered his State of the Union address this week. “The president was so confident, aides had to beg him not to begin his speech with ‘A shout-out to all the fine ladies in the House.’ ” (Jon Stewart)

Easy Mistake to Make: The Secret Service scared off a small plane that flew over the White House. “The pilot wasn’t trying to fly over the White House intentionally. I guess he was listening to the impeachment trial on the radio and dozed off.” (Jay Leno)

Peel This: Dan Quayle says he’s on the verge of declaring his candidacy. “Just when you thought things could not get worse. . . . I can’t wait to see his State of the Onion address.” (Bill Maher)

Low Blow: Mike Tyson knocked out Francois Botha in the fifth round. “Botha went down so fast, today he was named an honorary White House intern.” (Leno)

In Play: Latrell Sprewell reportedly will be traded to the New York Knicks. “The deal is for a future draft choice, three assailants and a felon to be named later.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Don’t Move: Hundreds of thousands of visitors are expected to view the Vincent van Gogh exhibition at the L.A. County Museum of Art. “That many people would make it a Van Stop ‘n’ Gogh.” (Paul Ecker)

Play It Again: In Virginia, a man who burglarized a home was arrested after he called a psychic hotline during the burglary and told the psychic his real name. “Just to show you how stupid the guy really is, he called the same psychic two days earlier, who told him exactly what would happen.” (Andrew Wisot)

Full of Beans: In New York City, a man who says he found chunks of glass in his Frappuccino is suing Starbucks for $4 million. “If he wins, he’s going to use the $4 million to buy another Frappuccino at Starbucks.” (Conan O’Brien)

Easy for Her to Say: Madonna appeared on “Larry King Live” and criticized the impeachment charges. “She argued that a person’s sex life is their own business. Of course, she’s turned hers into a multimillion-dollar business.” (Daily Scoop)

Start Them Up: The Rolling Stones plan to hire fans as security guards for their upcoming tour. “Well, not really security guards. The fans will help the Stones shuffle in and out of the early-bird buffet.” (Kaseberg)

On the Prowl: According to a tabloid report, Martha Stewart is looking for a husband. “She says if she can’t find one, she’s going to make one using egg cartons, Popsicle sticks and bread crumbs.” (Leno)

Parting Is So Hard: Rod Stewart and his wife, supermodel Rachel Hunter, have separated. “Both Rod and Rachel have filed petitions for custody of the family hair dryer.” (Ira Lawson)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.