In Chicago, It Is Almost Unbearable

Skip Bayless of the Chicago Tribune ridiculing the botched Chicago Bear news conference, presumably to name Dave McGinnis as the new coach:

“Friday, [Bear President Michael] McCaskey officially ensured that your Chicago Bears have become national laughingstocks.

“Not just the jokes of the NFL, mind you--McCaskey went sea to howling sea. His Grin-and-Bear-Its now rule as the biggest dunces in all of sports.

“Now when you think Bears, you think losers. Boobs. Goofs. Fools. When you think McCaskey you think Inspector Clouseau. Frank Drebin. Yogi Bear.”

McGinnis withdrew as a candidate for the job Saturday, and later that night Dick Jauron, the defensive coordinator for the Jacksonville Jaguars, agreed to become the Bears’ next coach.

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Trivia time: Not counting Carolina and Jacksonville, which seven NFL franchises haven’t made a Super Bowl appearance?

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Censorship: Car owners in Utah can get vanity license plates to express their views about Salt Lake City playing host to the 2002 Winter Games--as long as the expressions are positive.

Bill Velmer wanted plates that said “2002NOT.” Officials at the Department of Motor Vehicles said no, saying the personalized plate is “not a public forum.”

In other words, no freedom of plates.

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Empty house: Jeff Gordon in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: “Will the last Bull leaving Chicago remember to turn out the lights?”

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Embarrassing: Joe Knowles in the Chicago Tribune: “Brace yourself, but this could be the first time since the mid-1980s that the Blackhawks win more games in a season than the Bulls.”

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Cover-up: Barry Horn in the Dallas Morning News: “The Boston Globe on Thursday published a front-page story that revealed the paper and its rival Boston Herald have been printing phony high school hockey scores for more than 30 years.

“It seems a gentlemen’s agreement existed among coaches, who call in results, to tone down the final scores they reported after lopsided games. Instead of 10-1, for example, the score in the paper might be 4-2.”

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A cool marathon?: Olympic gold medal gymnast Kerri Strug, listed among the finishers of the recent Houston Marathon--in a time of 4 hours 12 minutes and six seconds: “I’m sick of doing serious stuff. I want to do cool stuff.”

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Overkill: Mike Lupica in the New York Daily News on Michael Jordan: “He severed a tendon clipping the end off a cigar? What was he using, a weed whacker?”

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Trivia answer: The Arizona Cardinals, Baltimore Ravens, Detroit Lions, New Orleans Saints, Seattle Seahawks, Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Tennessee Titans.

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And finally: Woody Paige in the Denver Post, reviving the so-called feud between Dan Reeves and Mike Shanahan:

“Reeves and Shanahan were Captain Bligh and Mr. Christian. Christian was Bligh’s first officer, but led the mutiny on the Bounty.

“Reeves believed that his offensive coordinator led the mutiny on the Broncos.”