LAUGH LINES

Following Orders: The Navy announced they will be accepting high school dropouts. “This is part of its ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t know’ policy.” (Jay Leno)

Following Orders II: “You know how they say ‘It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure.’ You got a couple of high school dropouts driving a nuclear sub, that’s gonna be a real adventure.” (Leno)

It’s Only Fair: During his State of the Union address, President Clinton said the government must do more to promote equal pay for equal work. “Monica Lewinsky agrees. Paula Jones got $850,000 and all she got was this lousy T-shirt.” (Argus Hamilton)

End of the Line: Last week, an electrical outage stopped 20 rush-hour trains between New York and Delaware. “Out of force of habit, the passengers got off the train, rolled down the embankment and fell into a ditch all by themselves.” (Leno)

That’s Hot: Novelist Jackie Collins’ Beverly Hills home caught on fire. “Jackie was gasping for breath as the sweat-soaked firefighter quenched her flame.” (Jerry Perisho)

Sorry, Wrong Number: Rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard claims he was armed with a cell phone, not a gun, during a shootout with police. “Either way, it was a bad call on his part.” (Daily Scoop)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.