LAUGH LINES

On the Campaign Trail: According to news reports, Texas Gov. George W. Bush may have used family connections to get out of having to serve in Vietnam. “So see that? Maybe he is qualified to be president.” (Jay Leno)

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring: Las Vegas was hit last week with the city’s worst flooding in 15 years. “And you thought the drinks were watered down before.” (Gary Moore)

We Couldn’t Resist: After suffering through a heat wave, New Yorkers were hit with a blackout. “They say the neon lights are out on Broadway, on Broadway.” (Daily Scoop)

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The Essential David Letterman

Things in George W. Bush’s closet:

10. Fathered half the players at this year’s Wimbledon.

9. Once killed a Lenscrafter clerk when his glasses weren’t ready in about an hour.

7. In 1988 told dad, “I think Quayle would make a great vice president.”

6. He’s also married to Barbara Bush.

4. Calls brother Jeb “the one with the hick name.”

3. Recovering “Oprah”-holic.

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