On the Campaign Trail: A very angry Dan Quayle accused George W. Bush of trying to buy the Republican nomination. "This is quite a fight. In fact, it's the closest either one of them has ever come to combat." (Jay Leno)

Speaking of Quayle: His campaign reports debts of $600,000 but has only $200,000 on hand. "If he's as good at math as he is at spelling, he was encouraged by the news." (Argus Hamilton)

Still More Politics: President Clinton and congressional leaders have been haggling over what to do with the projected $1-trillion budget surplus. "The Republicans want to give it back in the form of tax cuts. And Clinton wants to use the surplus to buy the entire state of Montana as a gift for Heather Graham." (Dennis Miller)

No Score: At the White House, President Clinton played host to the U.S. women's soccer team this week. "Much to his disappointment, none of the women flung off their shirts." (Daily Scoop)

What Luck: Doctors say a man in Washington state whose gun went off after he tucked it into his waistband wasn't seriously injured. "I don't know what's more embarrassing. Firing a gun in your pants, or firing a gun and not hitting anything." (Leno)

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