LAUGH LINES

Silly Science: Scientists have taught chimpanzees to speak English. “Now if they can only do that to the people who write insurance forms.” (Daily Scoop)

Memorable Moments: Last week was the 30th anniversary of the first man on the moon. “Not only that, it’s the fifth anniversary of the first Starbucks on the moon.” (Conan O’Brien)

Off the Campaign Trail: New York Congressman Michael Forbes is switching from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party. “Know how that works? They have a little ceremony where they take out your brain and give you a heart.” (Jay Leno)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Things going through a Woodstock guy’s mind:

10. “I think I just trampled Wavy Gravy.”

7. “I never knew there were so many Bruce Hornsby fans!”

4. “Sometimes I feel like a tiny, inconsequential speck lost in a sea of . . . ooh, check it out, a topless chick!”

3. “My one complaint: The Bizkit wasn’t quite limp enough.”

2. “I sure hope Hillary doesn’t find out I’m here.”

1. “This Tae-Bo stuff is great!”

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