The Daddy Test

So, you think you’re a pretty tough guy.

Maybe you’ve run a marathon or two. Maybe you pump some iron or throw some leather in the boxing ring.

Want to really test your steel?

Try a challenge that a small but growing number of courageous men have taken up: paternity leave.

Each year, about half a million men take some time off to care for a child. The number is growing under the 1993 federal Family and Medical Leave Act, which requires all companies with more than 50 employees to provide up to 12 unpaid weeks off to care for a child or an ill family member.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that paternity leave is some kind of wussy, sit-on-your-tush vacation. It’s a sleep-depriving, nerve-racking, backbreaking job that truly will separate the men from the boys.

Take if from someone who has been there.

For two months, I stayed home with my daughter, Isabella, after my wife went back to work. I still have the rings under my eyes and the Gerber-stained shirts to prove it.

Sure, I changed a few diapers and prepared some formula before my paternity leave. But when my wife went back to work, I became the primary caregiver. I was the water boy going in to replace the starting quarterback during the big game.

The first thing to remember is not to panic. Like pit bulls, babies can smell fear from a mile away.

Your life will change dramatically. But your chances of survival are pretty good.

Here is what you can expect:

Little Sleep

A full night of sleep is history. Just accept the fact. Be happy if you get four hours of uninterrupted shut-eye a night.

The term “sleeping like a baby” is terribly misleading. In the first few months, babies rarely sleep through the night. Instead, they take a series of naps, interrupted by crying fits usually just as you drift off.

After a few weeks of this, the effects of sleep deprivation will begin to show.

One night I was so exhausted that I fell asleep while feeding my baby a bottle of formula. I woke up to the sound of crying and realized I had stuck the nipple in her eye.

Experienced moms will tell you to catch up on your sleep during the day by taking naps when your baby sleeps. It’s easier said than done. Babies tend to sleep in the car or when you are taking them for a walk in a stroller. Not the best time for you to nod off.

Also, the time your baby spends napping during the day is the only chance you will get to catch up on small tasks around the house, such as showering and eating a meal.

Survival tip: Lay in a healthy supply of coffee.

Little Gets Done

Don’t expect to complete any major projects while on paternity leave. You won’t have time. Huge chunks of your days will be spent washing bottles, changing diapers, fixing baths, taking walks, etc.

You will be lucky to complete one substantial task per day. If you can get to the supermarket and back without accidentally leaving your baby in the produce aisle, consider it a great accomplishment. Take the rest of the day off.

When I started my leave, I planned on finally organizing all the junk that was piling up in my garage. I eventually abandoned the idea and organized my closet instead. I took the rest of the day off.

You Become a Freak

As open-minded and progressive as our society has become, a full-time male caregiver is still a curiosity.

You will stroll through a mall with your baby and people--usually women--will make annoying comments suggesting that they think it’s cute to see a man pushing a baby carriage.

In their eyes, you are not a responsible husband who has taken time away from his career to bond with his baby. You are now a cute oddity known as “paternity boy.”

I was taking my baby on a walk through Old Town Pasadena when a very well-dressed woman gave me a smirk and said: “Oh, daddy’s day out?”

At the time, I was too exhausted to come up with a clever retort, but I was thinking:

“Don’t mess with me, lady. I might stick a bottle of formula in your eye.”

You Can’t Fix It

Most guys like to think they can fix anything. They can replace a busted manifold seal or refinish a kitchen cabinet. But, guys, your skills won’t transfer to baby caring.

Babies will cry, throw tantrums and refuse to sleep even when they are exhausted. That’s what babies do. You can give them a bottle, you can rock them, you can stand on your head and sing “The Teapot Song,” but you won’t always pacify them.

Some things you just can’t fix. Do your best, but don’t lose your cool if you can’t keep your baby happy at all times. The best you can do is to be there and be patient.

It’s Tough to Exercise

It is important to release some of your tension and anxiety while on paternity leave. Unfortunately, it can be hard to exercise regularly while caring for a baby.

I bought a baby jogger so I could take my daughter on leisurely runs around the neighborhood. But I’m cheap, and I refused to spend $150 or more for a top-of-the-line jogger. Instead, I found a cheap jogger at a swap meet for $65. I took it home and strapped my daughter inside only to learn that the jogger was defective. The wheels were skewed to the left, forcing me to jog in circles.

Of course, I eventually fixed the jogger with a pair of pliers and a sharp knife. After all, I’m a guy.

You Develop a Bond

There is a payoff at the end, besides the warm feeling of knowing that you are being a wonderful, supportive husband. With each day of your paternity leave, you start to build a bond with your baby that will last your entire life.

Your heart will melt when she wakes from a nap and smiles to see you. And when she cries because you leave the room, your heart will break.

But I expect the real payoff to come when my daughter becomes a teenager and refuses to clean her room. Then I can say: “Listen, young lady, I suffered through two months of paternity leave. You owe me.”