Watching the Game From the Chi Seats

Here we are visiting our close friends the Dodgers, admiring their nice lawn and eating peanuts on the half shell.

“Hors d’oeuvre?” I ask my wife.

“Sure,” she says, taking the peanut on the half shell and devouring it in a single bite.

We’re a little worried about our friends the Dodgers. They’ve been fighting a lot lately, right in front of people.

“I’m a little worried about them,” I tell my wife.

“Why?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I don’t think they’re happy.”

“They’ve been together so long,” she says.

“I’m just worried,” I say.

So we eat more peanuts and think about what we can do for the Dodgers. We could recommend counseling. Or time apart. Or sexy lingerie.

“Maybe it’s bad feng shui,” I tell my wife.

“You’re crazy,” she says.

“Thank you very much,” I say.

“You’re completely crazy,” she says.

So, just to prove it, the next night I take along a feng shui expert to examine Dodger Stadium.

“The Dodgers are in the middle of a two-year hex,” says feng shui master David Cho, studying the stadium from our seats along third base.

“It’ll last through February of 2001,” he says.

“You’re crazy,” I say.

You probably know all about the Dodgers. High payroll. High expectations. High strung.

The previous night, frustrated pitcher Carlos “the Raging Bull” Perez destroyed a water cooler with a baseball bat.

Another pitcher, “Kung Fu” Park, recently karate-kicked an opposing player.

“Tidy Bowl” Brown, also a pitcher, isn’t quite as dangerous. He merely destroys toilets.

And you may know a little about feng shui (pronounced fung-shway). More popular by the minute, it helps you arrange your home or business to make it more productive, serene and brim with positive chi (energy).

“Feng shui is about harmony with the environment and harmony with each other,” Cho explains.

“Then we’re in the right place,” I say.

“Peanut?” Cho says.

“Sure,” I say.

While we watch the game, Cho draws a grid of the stadium. He divides it into nine energy zones, trying to figure out which areas will promote health and prosperity and which areas won’t.

“The bullpen is a problem,” he says right away.

“No kidding?” I say.

“Too generous,” he says.

Indeed, the Dodger pitchers have been generous this season, giving away too many runs.

“Left field is a problem too,” he says.

“No kidding,” I say.

Out in left field, Gary Sheffield chases a ball in the gap. He runs toward center field as if entering an antique shop, slowly and with great caution, afraid that he might knock over something really expensive. Such as himself.

“You stink, Sheffield!” yells a fan, forgetting that Sheffield is one of the few Dodgers who is hitting pretty well. “You really stink!” the fan says.

Cho has been working with feng shui for six years now, helping medical offices and famous actors, among others.

Business is booming. So when I asked him to evaluate Dodger Stadium, he was all for it.

Basing his calculations on when the stadium was built and the birth dates of key players, here is what he found:

* The Dodgers are in the midst of a sort of feng shui flu that is afflicting productivity.

“Before it goes, it will pass on its affliction to health and relationships,” Cho says.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

“Basically, they’re screwed,” he says.

* Aside from the two-year hex, Dodger Stadium is a very stable place.

“It’s easy to see why they’ve had so much success here,” he says.

* The lighting is good. So is the north-south orientation of the stadium.

“Had they built it 11 degrees more to the northeast, they wouldn’t have enjoyed the success they’ve enjoyed.”

* Based on his energy grid, called a bagua, the bullpen is a particularly vulnerable space, prone to generosity. To counteract this, he recommends that the Dodgers place metal in the bullpen.

“Maybe a set of weights,” he says. “In this case, you’re trying to absorb the positive [generous] energy that’s out there.”

* In the dugout, the Dodgers can increase their health and prosperity by placing water, maybe a small fountain. “Running water in the dugout would calm the two Erics [Young and Karros], and it would minimize the back pain [for Davey Johnson, Adrian Beltre and Todd Hundley].”

“The only thing is the water may make Carlos [Perez] more testy,” Cho cautions.

Cho is quick to point out that the Dodgers aren’t doomed by the current two-year stretch of negative energy. It just gives them a little more to overcome.

“As in physics, there is a path of least resistance,” Cho says, explaining feng shui’s energy fields. “Feng shui identifies some of the paths of high resistance, then shows you how you can adjust.”

“Like in a marriage?” I say.

Cho smiles.

“Yeah, like in a marriage,” he says.

Chris Erskine’s column is published on Wednesdays. His e-mail address is chris.erskine@latimes.com.