Step, Step, Grapevine, Pivot, Step

Alarming Trends Bureau: An Iowa dance instructor claims she was abducted by space aliens who wanted to learn country line dancing.

Quote of the Day: From a Westchester supermarket employee, after noticing that a robber had no bag with which to carry the loot he was taking: “Paper or plastic?”

According to the Argonaut newspaper, the robber chose paper and escaped with $1,200.

Actually, the robber could’ve gotten more but didn’t realize there was a club card special on holdups.

Catching Up Bureau: During our vacation (which was timed so we could avoid exposure to any public celebrations of Michael Bolton’s birthday), several important news stories slipped by the radar of the media. In hopes of winning a Pulitzer Prize, we present them to you now:

* A Minnesota store announced plans to sell one of Frank Sinatra’s toupees for $15,000.

* A Michigan restaurant owner predicted sales of sauteed muskrats would skyrocket during Lent.

* Domino’s Pizza outlets in Washington, D.C., began offering free pizzas to anyone who provides proof of a recent prostate exam. Apparently, a new medical study claims that foods (such as pizza) containing tomatoes and tomato sauce reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

* On an Internet site where people can anonymously reveal secrets, a self-described janitor for the U.S. Senate claims that Democrats are more likely to leave boogers under their desks. Republicans are more likely to leave behind Conway Twitty albums.

* The University of Virginia decided to drop its “bachelor of liberal studies” degree, for fear of offending conservatives. Instead, according to the Chicago Sun-Times, the school now offers a “bachelor of interdisciplinary studies” program.

* Researchers in Germany discovered that spiders are terrified of human breath.

* A new law in Vienna allows dogs to sue their masters if they don’t get at least one walk per day. The law also requires that pet alligators get their own swimming pool and that all birds be sold in pairs to prevent loneliness.

Alternative Oscars: Movieline magazine has proposed several new categories for this year’s Academy Awards show. One is “best performance by a bodily fluid.” The nominees are Gwyneth Paltrow’s spit in “Shakespeare in Love,” Oprah Winfrey’s amniotic fluid in “Beloved” and Ben Stiller’s hair gel in “There’s Something About Mary.”

Another category is “actor or actress whose absence from the screen was most appreciated.” Nominees are Madonna, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston.

Alarming Dates in History: Next Tuesday is the 40th birthday of Barbie--and Kato Kaelin.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Cow’s Udder Makes Music Like Bagpipes Every Time She’s Milked!” (Weekly World News)

And a major record company is interested in signing the animal.

Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Martin Miller. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. During the rest of the week, we teach country line dancing to space aliens.