LAUGH LINES

“20/20” Vision: Monica Lewinsky reportedly was planning to stay home and watch her interview with a couple of close friends. “Gee, their names wouldn’t happen to be Ben and Jerry by any chance?” (Jay Leno)

Seems Like Old Times: President Clinton went to buy books this week, but his credit card had expired. “To prove he was the president, he hit on the saleswoman.” (Daily Scoop)

Seems Like Old Times II: “You worry about a guy who lets his credit card lapse. You know, what else is he let lapsing, nuclear treaties?” (David Letterman)

Tripped Up: Linda Tripp was ordered to return to work at the Pentagon. “For the past year, she’s been paid thousands of dollars to sit around and do nothing. Who does she think she is--Congress?” (Argus Hamilton)

Arf: Bob Dole is mourning the loss of his dog, Leader, which was bred with a dog owned by Strom Thurmond. “Leader produced eight pups, most of which were adopted by William Tecumseh Sherman to help carry supplies during his march to the sea.” (Jon Stewart)

It’s a Thought: Fans are failing to turn out to watch the losing L.A. Clippers. “If the Clippers really want to get 20,000 screaming people for their games, why don’t they hang up a picture of Ho Chi Minh?” (Petro)

On the Road: Ford’s new sport utility vehicle, the Excursion, is 19 feet long and weighs 3 1/2 tons. “Instead of cup holders, it comes with two crew members and a beverage cart.” (Steve Voldseth)

All Dolled Up: Mattel is coming out with a new Sleeping Beauty Barbie. “There’s a double standard here. If Ken were lying around all day, he wouldn’t be Sleeping Hunk Ken, he’d be Get a Damn Job Ken.” (Leno)

Roll Film: A Kentucky woman left her entire estate to Charles Bronson. “She also left him a screenplay with a note saying, ‘If you get a chance, can you take a look at this?’ ” (Joe Kevany)

Book Him: Charles Sheen has published a book of poetry. “He does understand you can’t snort lines of poetry, doesn’t he?” (Daily Scoop)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

The least beloved Dr. Seuss classics:

10. “Guns Is Funz”

9. “The Cat in the Adults-Only Chat Room”

7. “Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose Is Shot by Charlton Heston”

6. “Horton Hires a Hooker”

5. “Watch Out, Steve, I’m Gonna Heave”

3. “If I Have to Write One More Rhyme I’m Gonna Whack Somebody”

2. “Oh! The Places You Would Have Gone if Only You’d Finished High School”

1. “101 Ways to Cook Lorax”

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