Researchers Try to Find Out Secrets of Life in ‘Geniuses’

There are several ways to describe “Baby Geniuses,” an alleged comedy about alleged babies. One, it’s a shameless recycling of “Look Who’s Talking.” Two, it’s a charmless rip-off of “Rugrats.” Three, it’s a Christmastime movie being opened in March. Be particularly frightened by No. 3.

The premise in this lackluster comedy from Bob Clark--who directed the annual holiday present “A Christmas Story” as well as the celebrated smut-fest “Porky’s”--is that “infant pre-language” contains all the secrets of life. Adults need only crack the linguistic code to discover the genetically imprinted wisdom of the ages. But they have to do it quickly: Once babies “cross over” to adult speech, according to the Tibetans--hey, don’t the Tibetans have enough problems?--they lose their status as sophisticated savants.

Of course, the movie’s idea of a sophisticated savant would be Rodney Dangerfield in a diaper. Wisecracking, pun-hurling enfants obnoxious, the kids engage in exhaustingly trite repartee and are computer-manipulated to the point of demonic possession. If they’re more charming than the adults, it is merely a symptom of our child-crazed culture. And that’s if it’s true at all: With all the groin-injury jokes popping up in “Baby Geniuses,” at least half the audience should be predisposed to hate them.

The movie’s researchers-in-hot-pursuit are Dr. Elena Kinder (Kathleen Turner), president of the multinational BABYCO and the personification of evil, and her nephew-in-law Dr. Dan Bobbins (Peter MacNicol) who, with his wife Robin (Kim Cattrall), runs a nursery staffed by a couple of old hippies played by Dom DeLuise and Ruby Dee (call your agents).

Dan is close to decoding the baby talk, but what he and Robin don’t know is that their adopted son Whit is the twin brother of baby Sly, the centerpiece of Elena’s self-aggrandizing study of the infant mind. And when Sly breaks out of stir--throwing kung fu moves on a gang of security goons--hilarity and comical child endangerment are expected to ensue. They don’t, largely because the movie seems to have been knocked off between Similacs at the local baby bar.

But the film also has a problem keeping its own premise in order. One gets the feeling sometimes that the babies are speaking regular English when they think no one’s watching; Dickie (Kyle Howard), the nursery gofer, eavesdrops on them, but what is he hearing?

Later, during the climactic face-off between Sly and Elena, he speaks out loud to her and she seems to understand. There may have been a plot point I missed en route to the finale that explained all this. But I have to confess to drifting off a bit, daydreaming about the relative golden age of John Hughes’ “Baby’s Day Out” or the virtual Noel Cowardisms of Bruce Willis in “Look Who’s Talking” and wondering if babies can be brought up on charges of adult abuse.

* MPAA rating: PG for some rude behavior and dialogue. Times guidelines: Physical and emotional threats to babies, even computer-manipulated babies, are tough to explain to younger audiences.

‘Baby Geniuses’

Kathleen Turner: Leena

Christopher Lloyd: Heep

Kim Cattrall: Robin

Peter MacNicol: Dan

Dom DeLuise: Lenny

Ruby Dee: Margo

Kyle Howard: Dickie

Kaye Ballard: Mayor

TriStar Pictures presents a Steven Paul/Crystal Sky Production, a film by Bob Clark. Directed by Bob Clark. Screenplay by Bob Clark and Greg Michael. Story by Steven Paul and Francisca Matos & Robert Grasmere. Produced by Steven Paul. Executive producer David Saunders. Director of photography Stephen M Katz. Production designer Francis J. Pezza. Editor Stan Cole. Music Paul Zaza. Visual effects supervisor Jacques Stroweis. Costumes design Betty Pecha Madden. Co-executive producers Hank Paul, John Voight. Running time: 1 hour, 34 minutes.

In general release.