LAUGH LINES

Shhh, It’s a Secret: The Clinton administration is embroiled in allegations that China stole nuclear secrets. “Last year at this time, the only problem Clinton had with China was Hillary throwin’ it at him.” (Jay Leno)

He’s the Tops: On foreign policy, President Clinton ranks No. 1 among recent presidents, according to a survey. “Of course, the survey was conducted in Beijing.” (Daily Scoop)

That Old Hocus Pocus: Clinton’s Agency for International Development gave money to a group that sometimes spreads its family planning message at voodoo rituals. “Clinton’s actually into voodoo. In fact, he named a zombie vice president.” (Daily Scoop)

You’ve Got Male: Hillary Rodham Clinton went on America Online to discuss White House pets. “Mainly Socks and Buddy, not the two-legged dog who lives with her.” (Ira Lawson)

Another Round: “The judge who scored a win for Evander Holyfield over Lennox Lewis may not have much of a future in boxing, but her future as an NFL referee is looking bright.” (Jerry Perisho)

One More Round: “Over the weekend another tourist got robbed in New York: Lennox Lewis.” (Leno)

Off the Court: The Lakers don’t know where Dennis Rodman is or when he’s coming back. “And today Carmen Electra said, ‘Join the club!’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Rocky Times: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony was held this week at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York. “That’s where many of the aging rockers spent the night. But the closest they came to trashing their rooms was accidentally ripping the safety bar out of the wall after slipping in the tub.” (Jon Stewart)

Rocky Times II: Paul McCartney wants George Harrison and Ringo Starr inducted as well. “George and Ringo were actually deeply touched by Paul’s sentiments, clapping so loudly they almost dropped the trays of salmon hors d’oeuvres they were serving.” (Stewart)

Try Your Luck: Michael Jackson plans to buy a Las Vegas casino. “They said if he buys it, it’ll be the only casino in town where you can hit on 12.” (Leno)

*

Essential List of the Day

(by Howard Mortman)

Top ways C-SPAN is celebrating its 20th anniversary this week:

10. Sending 20 pizzas to MSNBC and billing Fox.

8. Unveiling new slogan: “Cable’s Gift to Insomnia!”

7. After the Radio-TV Correspondents dinner, while other networks host parties, C-SPAN is reenacting the British parliament.

6. Another new slogan: “You Can’t Spell ‘C-SPAN’ Without ‘Nap.’ ”

4. At long last: The Brian Lamb-Laura Ingraham Pop Culture Reference Slam.

3. Buying a second camera.

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