LAUGH LINES

On the Campaign Trail: “Lamar Alexander was denied Secret Service protection. Nobody could pick him out of a crowd anyway.” (Steve Voldseth)

Off the Map: The San Fernando Valley may secede from L.A. “Apparently, San Fernando Valley residents want their own traffic, graffiti and losing sports teams.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Science Marches Backward: A study of the moon’s core lends credence to the theory that the moon is from Earth. “The jury’s still out, however, on if men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” (Gary Easley)

Wedded Bliss: In India, two frogs were recently married in a tribal ritual. ‘Afterward, the guests threw flies.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Retail Riot: A judge ordered Wal-Mart to pay $3.2 million to a woman who was wrongly accused of shoplifting. “Know what that means? She’ll never have to shop at Wal-Mart again.” (Jay Leno)

That’s All Folks: A study finds a surprising number of cartoon characters who smoke or drink. “There is hope, though. Many will soon be checking into the Betty Fudd Clinic.” (Mark Wheeler)

Name of the Game: The makers of Monopoly are introducing a new game piece. “It’s a little bag of money, and it’s an exact replica of the one Don King gave each of the boxing judges.” (Leno)

Changing Channels: Susan Lucci has received her 19th Emmy nomination despite losing 18 times. “It’s not really that big a deal. You know what the Clippers call that? A road trip.” (Voldseth)

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