Now Hear This: El Toro Jet Tests OKd

The county has hired a new top dog to handle its airport business. On paper, Michael Lapin is the No. 2 administrator, but when he’s making $170,000 to his “boss’ ” $102,000 . . . well, you do the math.

Let’s just say that if I were Lapin’s “boss,” I wouldn’t order him to get me some coffee or pick up my dry-cleaning.

Meanwhile, the county pays me absolutely nothing and yet I’m about to make a greater contribution to the proposed airport than anything Lapin has done so far.

Being in the “idea” business, I’ve noticed a glaring oversight in the county’s announcement that it’s going to run practice flights on June 4 and 5 in and out of the El Toro Marine Corps Air Station.

The problem? The county is offering only flights. Nothing else.

Just two full days, starting at 6 a.m. on the 4th and running through 8 p.m. on the 5th, of nothing but test runs of planes. The county hopes that residents who currently oppose the proposed airport will see how quiet the planes really are and suddenly jump on the airport bandwagon.

Every entrepreneur in Orange County must be shaking his or her head in wonderment. They all know that if you’re trying to sell people something, you’ve got to give them something.

So, borrowing from the test flight schedule already announced, I’ve thrown in a few suggestions for the two days:

Friday June 4:

6 a.m.: Arrival on Runway 34. B-747-400 aircraft.

7 a.m.: Departure on Runway 34. B-747-400.

8:15 a.m.: Meet and greet former NBA star Dennis Rodman, who will be signing autographs in makeshift Hospitality Suite. Follow the signs. For the first 100 to sign up, Rodman will reveal his “secret tattoo.”

4 p.m.: Arrival on Runway 34. B-767-300ER.

4:20 p.m.: Departure on Runway 7. B-767-300ER.

4:35 p.m.: “Dog and Frisbee” show on Runway 34. Competing in “terrier” and “retriever” divisions, watch these dogs “go airborne” as they try to gauge the skips on the rock-hard tarmac.

5:45 p.m.: Free hot dogs and puppet show, sponsored by Hearing Professionals of Irvine.

6:30 p.m.: Arrival on Runway 34. B-767-300ER.

6:45 p.m.: Winner of “You Be the Pilot” drawing in which lucky ticket holder spends 20 minutes in simulator of B-767 and takes off from El Toro while trying to avert mountains.

7:10 p.m.: Departure on Runway 7. A-320.

7:30 p.m.-8 p.m.: Luggage swap meet.

9:05 p.m.: Arrival on Runway 34. B-767-300ER.

9:20-9:25: Pit bull cage match. Seating limited.

11:45 p.m.: Departure on Runway 34. B-737-400.

Midnight: Dramatic reading by county CEO Jan Mittermeier of original radio broadcast of 1937 Hindenburg disaster.

Saturday June 5:

8 a.m.: Private NCO Club showing of “Star Wars: Episode 1 The Phantom Menace.” First 1,000 in attendance receive mug and backpack.

10 a.m.: Arrival on Runway 34. B-757-200.

10:25 a.m.-4:15 p.m.: “Baby Crawl” race along 10,000-foot Runway 34. Contestants (9 months and younger) will assemble in hangar and be transported to starting line at head of runway.

Noon: Box lunch on the grounds. Grand prize award of two Angels tickets for closest guess of number of beans stored inside a 767.

1:20 p.m.: Dunking Stool Contest. For 50 cents per throw, try to knock Supervisors Tom Wilson and Todd Spitzer into large vat of ice water.

3:15 p.m.: Departure on Runway 7. MD-90.

3:20 p.m.: Free public lecture on “History of the MD-90.”

8 p.m.: Closing remarks, various county supervisors.

Both days, until closing: Seminar on “How to Sell Your Home by the End of the Day.”

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers can reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.