LAUGH LINES

On the Campaign Trail: George Bush said that for his 75th birthday, he is going to jump out of a plane and land on the grounds of his presidential library. “After hearing about it, Dan Quayle said, ‘That’s crazy. I’d never go near a library.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Fair Play: ABC’s Cokie Roberts says Texas Gov. George W. Bush should tell the truth about any prior drug use. “If he does that, I think she should have to tell us how she got the name Coke-ie. . . . Too much time hanging out with Stone Phillips, maybe?” (Jay Leno)

Not So Fair Play: A House panel has approved a measure to raise the salary of the president to $400,000 a year. “Unless Elizabeth Dole wins--then it’s 75% of that.” (Dennis Miller)

The Essential David Letterman

What you don’t want to hear from a Fenway Park hot dog vendor:

10. As my own tribute to the Boston Tea Party, I spat in the mustard.

8. If you find a Band-Aid in there--it’s mine.

4. The meat for these things came from an MIT science project.

1. Remember: One if by salmonella, two if by trichinosis.

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