Extra! Extra! Read All About It Again: It May Be Old, but It’s Still News

History Repeating Itself: Journalists are such doofuses. Many are frothing at the mouth in print over reports that the big TV networks will no longer inform TV listing services when shows are reruns.

But newspapers have done the same thing for years. Whenever there isn’t enough news to fill the paper, editors simply rerun old stories without labeling them as such. For example, last week’s “news” that the Yankees swept the World Series in four games was really a repeat of 1998’s story. And the October assassination of Armenia’s prime minister actually happened in 1964. Fortunately, the public has a very short memory.

Of course, some recycled stories must be updated slightly to make them appear fresh. Here are a few front-page headlines you’ll be seeing in days to come:

* “Pearl Harbor Bombed! Boulder Police Expect to Name Suspect ‘Any Day Now’ ”

* “Lindbergh Baby Abducted--by Space Aliens!”

* “Titanic Steams Into New York Harbor After Ramming Ice Cube in Atlantic! Global Warming Credited With Averting Major Disaster”

Biblical Clairol Bureau: A Scottish theologian has announced that St. Peter was a blond. It’s an intriguing idea, but only the apostle’s hairdresser knows for sure.

In related news, scholars are also investigating a theory (first proposed in Hoyt Axton’s song “Joy to the World”) that the Old Testament prophet Jeremiah was, in fact, a bullfrog and that nobody ever understood a single word he said, but they helped him drink his wine. And he always had some mighty fine wine.

Take This Job and . . .: Attention, worker drones of the world: Now is the time to march into your boss’ office and tender your resignation. According to a U.S. News & World Report cover story headlined “Why It Pays to Quit,” changing jobs is the new way to get ahead.

And here are some of the exciting employment opportunities available, according to another report from Oklahoma City-based Express Personnel Services:

* Manhole watcher. Earn up to $8 an hour guarding manhole openings during sewer repairs.

* Military guinea pig. Collect $10 an hour riding in an Army tank to test protective armor. Note: Life insurance policy not included.

* Animal impersonator. Make big bucks providing the singing voice for a 9-foot-tall mechanical bear used in shopping mall promotions.

Future Horror Movie: A Canadian aerobics instructor says her home is haunted by a coffee mug that mysteriously plays the song “You Light Up My Life” every morning at 6:50 a.m., according to Fate magazine.

T-Shirt of the Week: Spotted on the back of a passing motorcyclist: “If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.”

Alarming Trends Bureau: Rosie O’Donnell has recorded an album of Christmas songs.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Five Men Trapped in 1935 Mining Disaster Emerge After 64 Years--Alive & Well!” (Weekly World News)

However, after watching an episode of “Suddenly Susan,” they returned to the mine.

Unpaid Informants: London Times, https://www.ship-of-fools.com, Wireless Flash News Service, Washington Post, Steve Voldseth. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Today’s column is in memory of songwriter Hoyt Axton. Thanks for the great tunes, especially “Hungry Man.” Rest in peace.