Few Make Grade in Mediocre Season

It was only a matter of time before something like this would be reported on the wires: “Tampa Bay linebacker Don Davis stepped on Trent Dilfer’s right ankle, forcing Dilfer to leave practice early Thursday.”

Club officials maintain it was an accident, but watch and see if they don’t nominate Davis as NFL player of the week.

The New York Giants have already called, asking if they could borrow Davis to practice against Kent Graham.

Obviously not willing to wait to see if Minnesota’s Duane Clemons will take a punch at Dilfer below the belt, it wouldn’t be a surprise to learn one day that Buccaneer management put an incentive clause in Davis’ contract, calling for a misstep at just the right moment.

Sure, it’s eight weeks too late, but at the halfway point of this lousy NFL season, almost every team in the NFC is still within range of a playoff berth, so long as it is not coached by Mike Ditka and doesn’t have Dilfer flinging footballs.

The first-half report card, and second-half projections in order of how they will finish:

NFC

ST. LOUIS (6-2): A+ . . . Quarterback Horatio Alger and Coach Rip Van Winkle just might put Georgia Cinderella on center stage to receive the Lombardi Trophy. Is this something from inside the head of John Malkovich?

Projected finish: 12-4 (division winner). They would have gone 13-3 in Anaheim.

WASHINGTON (5-3): B- . . . Imagine if the Redskin offense could play the Redskin defense--they’d score 100 points.

Projected finish: 10-6 (division winner). Owner Dan Snyder threatens to fire Commissioner Paul Tagliabue unless he hands over trophy.

MINNESOTA (5-4): C- . . . Lions’ swoon, Packers’ drop-off gives Vikings the opportunity to continue their rally.

Projected finish: 10-6 (division winner). Jeff George puts Dennis Green in position to choke again in the playoffs.

GREEN BAY (4-4): C- . . . The Packers won three home games on final drives, an early indication of how far they had dropped. Then they lost to the Bears.

Projected finish: 9-7 (wild card). Who needs Mike Holmgren?

DETROIT (6-2): A+ . . . It’s as many of us have been saying for years. You need to get rid of Barry Sanders and Herman Moore before you can win six of your first eight games.

Projected finish: 9-7 (wild card). Boss Ross runs out of hosses.

TAMPA BAY (4-4): C . . . Five home games and a lack of quality quarterbacks in the NFC keep the Buccaneers in the thick of it down the stretch.

Projected finish: 8-8 (wild card). “Don Davis kidnaps Trent Dilfer before playoffs begin.”

DALLAS (4-4): C . . . Take away Michael Irvin, Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman and Deion Sanders and what have you got? The Browns.

Projected finish: 8-8. Saves the Cowboys the embarrassment of being knocked out in first round again.

NEW YORK GIANTS (5-3): A . . . They have scored 138 points and allowed the opposition 138 points, making them the NFL’s poster child for mediocrity.

Projected finish: 7-9. Cream rises to the top and dogs sink to the bottom.

CAROLINA (3-5): D . . . Apparently Cleveland followed the Carolina expansion blueprint, instead of Jacksonville’s.

Projected finish: 7-9. George Seifert puts Panthers in position to be next year’s surprise team in the NFC West.

SAN FRANCISCO (3-5): D- . . . 49ers have shaky ownership, stadium woes, woozy quarterback, over-the-hill receiver, but a genius in Bill Walsh.

Projected finish: 6-10. What’s the over-under on how many days after the season ends before Terry Donahue becomes head coach?

ATLANTA (2-7): F . . . Chris Chandler’s the kind of guy who, when asked to pick up a team and carry it on his back, complains of a backache.

Projected finish: 5-11. Jamal Anderson has proved his point and should hold out again for even more money.

CHICAGO (4-5): B+ . . . Coach Dick Jauron says Jim Miller has a chance to become permanent starter. He has seen Shane Matthews and Cade McNown play.

Projected finish: 5-11. This allows for only one more Bear win this year after a stunning win over the Packers. Maybe that’s one win too many.

ARIZONA (2-6): F . . . Indicted for fraud after somehow making the playoffs a year ago.

Projected finish: 5-11. At this year’s quarterback challenge they will have an interception contest. Jake Plummer is the early favorite.

PHILADELPHIA (2-7): D . . . The Eagles won two games with a combination of Doug Pederson and Donovan McNabb, making Andy Reid coach of the year.

Projected finish: 3-13. Now that McNabb’s starting, the wins are cut in half.

NEW ORLEANS (1-7): F- . . . Sure glad Ditka traded half of his team for Ricky Williams. Saints might have only won two games without him.

Projected finish: 3-13. Saints’ owner Thomas Benson is threatening to move. Can’t be L.A.; there are laws about bringing trash into town.

AFC

JACKSONVILLE (7-1): B . . . Jaguars have No. 1 defense and coach in Tom Coughlin, No. 1 in capability of stopping his own offense with inept play calling.

Projected finish: 14-2 (division winner). Check with Vegas to see if the NFL schedule maker put an early bet down on the Jaguars.

MIAMI (7-1): A+ . . . Sooner or later the Dan Marino-Damon Huard controversy is going to rock the Dolphins.

Projected finish: 12-4 (division winner). Jimmy Johnson is already rubbing off on Kansas City’s Gunther Cunningham, who’s threatening to bore everyone to death.

SEATTLE (6-2): A+ . . . Sure, Holmgren can make a winner out of Brett Favre and Jon Kitna, but let’s see him do something with Dilfer.

Projected finish: 11-5 (division winner). Any team that loses to the Chargers should not be allowed in the playoffs.

INDIANAPOLIS (6-2): A+ . . . How would you like to have Peyton Manning’s future? Ryan Leaf was right all along--there is no comparison.

Projected finish: 11-5 (wild card). How’s that for a turnaround, going from 3-13 to 11-5? And 11-5 or better for many years to come.

NEW ENGLAND (6-2): A . . . Lack of running game will sack Drew Bledsoe down the stretch.

Projected finish: 10-6 (wild card). Bill Parcells would have taken them all the way.

TENNESSEE (6-2): A . . . Games with Bengals, Browns, Ravens and Falcons allow Jeff Fisher to finally snap that 8-8 jinx.

Projected finish: 10-6 (wild card). They have the better division record and edge the Bills for the final wild-card berth.

BUFFALO (6-3): B+ . . . Take away the leprechaun factor and these guys don’t belong with the big boys in the AFC East.

Projected finish: 10-6. They have the backup quarterback in Rob Johnson to carry the day if Doug Flutie finally gets tackled.

PITTSBURGH (5-3): B . . . Schedule is there for late-season push to the playoffs, but will Kordell Stewart’s passes be there to make it happen?

Projected finish: 9-7. Five home games down the stretch, but the Steelers haven’t been so convincing at home this year.

KANSAS CITY (5-3): B . . . Cunningham has figured out a way to keep Elvis Grbac from throwing interceptions. Run the ball.

Projected finish: 9-7. One-dimensional teams, or teams once coached by Marty Schottenheimer are not playoff worthy.

OAKLAND (4-4): A- . . . Next to Miami and St. Louis, the Raiders played the best first-half football against a torturous schedule.

Projected finish: 9-7. Does Rich Gannon have staying power under such grueling conditions? No, or he wouldn’t have been available to Oakland.

BALTIMORE (3-5): C- . . . Brian Billick was hired because he knew offense. Too bad he didn’t have a clue about a quarterback.

Projected finish: 6-10. Beneficiary of playing Cincinnati and Cleveland twice each.

DENVER (3-6): D . . . Guess this means a three-peat is out of the question. And about that nickname for Mike Shanahan: Mastermind?

Projected finish: 6-10. Winning six games might be a reach, but there’s that home-field advantage in Mile High Stadium.

SAN DIEGO (4-4): C . . . Look at the bright side--next year the Chargers will be losing with Leaf trying to gain experience in his third year in the game.

Projected finish: 6-10. And that’s counting a narrow victory over the expansion Browns.

NEW YORK JETS (2-6): F . . . Before the season began, Parcells let Glenn Foley leave and brought in Rick Mirer. Enough said.

Projected finish: 4-12. A few years ago, Parcells lost a playoff game playing Ray Lucas. Now he just loses regular-season games with Lucas.

CINCINNATI (1-8): F . . . Whatever the Bengals are paying Bruce Coslet, it’s not enough for standing there and being embarrassed every week.

Projected finish: 3-13. Two wins over the Browns and a lucky bounce to beat somebody like Baltimore.

CLEVELAND (1-8): F . . . Biggest two weeks in franchise history come in consecutive games with San Diego and Cincinnati on the road.

Projected finish: 1-15. One Hail Mary from going 0-16, and there were some who picked the Browns to compete for the division title.

CHECK THAT! CHECK THAT! CHECK THAT!

This just in: The wire services are now reporting that Davis missed in his accidental attempt to step on Dilfer’s ankle and only managed to kick him in the shins.

“Dilfer’s fine,” said a Buccaneer spokesman.

Anyone know how to get in touch with Jeff Gillooly, or whatever he calls himself these days?