Here’s a Sport That Really Needs a Stand-Up Guy

Bob Kravitz of the Rocky Mountain News doesn’t think much of the state of boxing in the aftermath of the Lennox Lewis-Evander Holyfield heavyweight championship bout.

Kravitz said the decision is a “joke,” Lewis is a “joke,” the heavyweight division is a “joke.”

Continued Kravitz: “And pro boxing, run by thieves and morons, a confederacy of dunces, is a joke.”

Whatever. But you must admit, if boxing is a joke, at least it’s the only sport with a built-in punch line.

*

Trivia time: How many concussions has Troy Aikman had as a member of the Dallas Cowboys?

*

Miller time? Because of his 422-yard passing performance last week against the Minnesota Vikings, Chicago Bear quarterback Jim Miller might become a hot commodity in the off-season.

Joe Linta, Miller’s agent, said his client has a one-year deal making the NFL minimum with the Bears. Said Linta: “$400,000 and two Big Macs.”

*

The Sammy tales: Be ready. Sammy Sosa’s autobiography is coming out in June, conveniently coinciding with the Chicago Cubs’ being mathematically eliminated from the pennant race.

*

Floored: The parquet floor at the FleetCenter in Boston might be replaced soon. Some significant facts about the famous floor that used to be at the Boston Garden:

* The floor is 53 years old (Come on, Red Auerbach has cigars that old), it’s held together by 988 bolts and it’s made up of 247 panels measuring five feet by five feet.

* It’s a mess. Most agree (just not anybody in a white and green uniform).

The best quote about the floor was from NBA veteran Ron Harper, who said this when he saw it for the first time: “Man, my driveway is better than this.”

*

Dollar Bill: An estimated 5,000 bought tickets ranging from $100 to $1,000 to attend a fund-raiser for Bill Bradley last weekend at Madison Square Garden.

The event, which raised about $1.5 million for the presidential candidate, included appearances by such NBA greats as Bill Russell, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Julius Erving and Bill Walton.

Said Abdul-Jabbar: “I’ve been intentionally apolitical my whole life, so this is kind of scary.”

*

Woof: He usually poses with birdies, but just when you thought it impossible for Jack Nicklaus to do a first anything, there comes the news that he is the first golfer to appear in the Purina Incredible Dogs Calendar for 2000.

Nicklaus and Cali, his golden retriever, are the June photo. They pose on Nicklaus’ yacht, the Sea Bear.

*

Ouch: Pro wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin is getting married for a third time.

Said Brian Whitman on Rick Dees’ KIIS-FM morning show: “He’s been married so many times, he has rice wounds.”

*

Trivia answer: Six.

*

And finally: From ABC’s Al Michaels when the New York Jets had an 18-point lead over the New England Patriots in the first half Monday night: “Isn’t this a fine kettle of Tuna?”