Finally, a Mutant Superhero With Minimal Watering Requirements

Prickly Heroes Bureau: Look! Up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s . . . a large desert succulent with a thick, spiny stem and white flowers, native to the southwestern United States and northern Mexico.

We hate to say it, but the comic book industry has apparently run out of ideas for new superheroes. With Aquaman, Batman, Spiderman, Plastic Man and nearly every other “man” taken, about the only option left is Cactus Man. Thus, LoS Comics (https://www.loscomics.com) has created the Saguarrior, a veterinarian who accidentally stabs his finger on a radioactive cactus and turns into a mutant saguaro who fights villains by flinging needles.

It Don’t Come Easy: Here at Off-Kilter, we abhor voter apathy, which is why we’re urging all of you to get off your keisters and cast ballots. But not in the presidential race, because, frankly, who cares about that? We’re talking about Time magazine’s online poll to choose the most influential person of the century.

A few months ago, we launched a campaign to get a dark horse candidate--Ringo Starr--into the top 20, partly as a way for society to atone for decades of insensitive Ringo jokes, but also to make a point about the poll itself. Although some of the top vote-getters are legitimate--such as Pope John Paul II, Albert Einstein and Joey Buttafuoco--others are preposterous. For instance, Elvis Presley is currently ranked as the second-most influential human of the era, even though it’s obvious he should be No. 3, tops.

So we endorsed Ringo, figuring he’s at least as qualified as Madonna, the reigning No. 15. We also saw an opportunity for global healing because black or white, young or old, rich or poor we all live in a yellow submarine.

At the time, the ex-Beatle needed a mere 9,500 votes to bump Saddam Hussein from the No. 20 slot. But when we recently called Time to check on Ringo’s progress, they said he had zero votes. “That’s impossible,” we snarled. “We voted for him at least 40 times ourselves.” So Time agreed to double-check and came back with a revised tally: 2,045 votes.

But that’s still pathetic--especially compared with various e-mail chain letter drives on behalf of Elvis (about 539,000 votes), Israel’s Yitzhak Rabin (No. 1 at 580,000), Mormon leader Gordon Hinckley (who just eclipsed Mahatma Gandhi and Ronald Reagan) and evangelist Billy Graham (who recently ousted Hitler from third place).

“I guess you don’t have much influence,” chirped the helpful Time spokeswoman.

Gee, thanks, but this isn’t about Off-Kilter’s influence. It’s about Ringo’s fragile self-image. Think how he must feel now. A measly 2,045 votes.

Meanwhile, Saddam has been dislodged from No. 20 by Franklin D. Roosevelt. Look, we have nothing against FDR, but ask yourselves this: Years from now, which phrase will be more cherished--FDR’s “a day that will live in infamy” or Ringo’s “Back off boogaloo”?

In fact, if FDR had used “Back off boogaloo” after Pearl Harbor, maybe Japan and Germany would have surrendered sooner. So log on to https://cgi.pathfinder.com/time/time100/poc/century.html and vote for Ringo Starr. With a little help from about 10,000 of his friends, he can make it.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Stupid Couple Get Polka-Dot Tattoos--So They Can Look Like Their Dalmatians!” (Weekly World News)

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Unpaid Informants: Arizona Daily Star. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.