LAUGH LINES

What Were the Odds?: “I feel bad for Pete Rose, you know? A lifetime ban from baseball. You know, the mistake Pete Rose made was this gambling. He should never have been gambling. If he’d been involved with drugs and hookers, he’d still be playing ball.” (David Letterman)

Pat on the Back: “While it’s not certain what effect this will have on the campaign, insiders say [Pat] Buchanan leaving the Republicans for the Reform Party should raise the intelligence levels of both groups.” (Jon Stewart)

Don’t Worry, Be Sleepy: “A study reveals that not getting enough sleep can age you. That’s just what insomniacs need--something else to worry about when they’re lying awake at night.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top signs your judge is on drugs:

10. In middle of trial, points to defendant and says, “Dude, you are so guilty.”

9. Shrieks that spiders are crawling all over the gavel.

8. When an undercover policeman testifies, judge yells, “Narc!”

1. Always citing the landmark case of “Cheech vs. Chong.”

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