High Time for More Businesses to Start Thinking Inside the (Sky) Box

The Sky Box Is Not the Limit: Bruce Springsteen has lost his mind. We base this diagnosis on a comment he made during a recent concert at Staples Center, the arena that doesn’t allow anyone to use the word “the” in front of its name.

Actually, we didn’t hear Springsteen’s remark because we were sitting in the so-called mezzanine section, which is so high above the stage that ushers had to give everyone flashing red lights so we wouldn’t be hit by low-flying airplanes. The mezzanine also has the worst acoustics we’ve ever heard at a rock show. Fortunately, a reliable source later told us the concert was great, so apparently we had a good time.

The source also mentioned Springsteen’s bizarre comment that there are “too many sky boxes” at Staples.

Aside from the irony of a “working class” multimillionaire criticizing other multimillionaires (the arena’s 160 luxury suites each rent for up to $300,000 a year), Springsteen got it all wrong.

Instead of fewer sky boxes, there should be more. And not just at sports arenas and stadiums.

For example, churches could introduce “sky pews,” elevated stained-glass suites that feature sofas, refrigerators, TVs (so you don’t have to miss the game) and private waiters who serve communion. The rental fees would also eliminate the need to pass collection plates around to the rest of the congregation.

And the suites would bring to fulfillment Jesus’ famous quote in John’s gospel: “In my father’s house, there are many sky boxes.”

Another possibility: the ultimate in sport utility vehicles, the Ford Sky Box, which would be equipped with private luxury suites for each passenger and enough cargo space to hold a full-size basketball court, hockey rink or Rhode Island.

Alarming Trends Bureau: An Israeli professor has announced plans to sell ice cream made from camel’s milk.

Knick Knack Patty Whack Give a Dog a Phone: There’s trouble in Off-Kilter Land. How are we supposed to write a humor column when real life is rapidly getting weirder than anything we can think up?

For instance, a year ago, we predicted that everyone in the future would have his or her own personal area code because of a proliferation of fax machines, cell phones, pagers and pet phones.

Now the London Times reports that Japanese engineers are, in fact, designing “mobile phones for animals.” The devices will attach to the pet’s collar and allow owners to call in soothing messages while away from home.

According to the Times, the product is being developed because Japanese phone companies calculated that the cellular market would be saturated by 2003 unless they could find a new customer base.

This sort of thing has got to stop or Off-Kilter will soon be out of work. And then we’ll never get that luxury “sky cubicle” we’ve been dreaming about.

Quote of the Day: From Jim Greene, commenting in the San Francisco Chronicle on a grand jury’s decision not to indict the parents of JonBenet Ramsey for her murder: “The Ramseys should think about pooling their resources with O.J. and looking for all the real killers.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Idiot Thrill-Seekers Pay $5,000 Apiece to Walk Through Kosovo Minefields!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Allison Joyce, Wireless Flash News Service. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.