Is This How the Perez Saga Will End?

April 5: Despite the fact that the lowly Montreal Expos scored eight runs off Carlos Perez in his first start of the season, Manager Davey Johnson remains impressed with the enigmatic left-hander.

“Carlos pitched well enough to win,” Johnson stated, while chasing bubbles in the outfield of Olympic Stadium after the game. “We’re supposed to be a good offensive team, and if we can’t back him up with 10, 12, 15, 20 runs, well, that’s not Carlos’ fault.”

Kevin Malone, the Dodgers’ delusional general manager, agreed. “I thought Carlos had good command, it’s just that his control was off. Or was his control good and his command off? To be honest, I don’t really know what any of this stuff means.”

April 7: Perez will make two starts for the Dodgers’ triple-A club in Albuquerque, then return to the Dodgers and continue his endeavor to elevate National League batting averages. Perez understands the reason for the demotion, according to his agent, Napoleon J. Crackpot, and is handling the news well.

“Of course, he’s disappointed,” Crackpot said. “Carlos worked hard all spring and really feels he can help the Dodgers. But he’s determined to pitch well at Albuquerque and be back up soon. And I’m sure he’ll tell you the same thing, once he regains consciousness and removes his head from his steering wheel.”

April 19: Perez lasts two-thirds of an inning in a loss to Colorado, but Johnson claims he is satisfied.

“Carlos pitched fine,” Johnson said, “It’s just that we had him on a 200-pitch limit. He’s a gamer. When I went out to the mound, he insisted on staying in. But fortunately, he wasn’t armed, and the coaches and I were able to drag him into the clubhouse.”

April 25: The game was ruled a forfeit, thanks to Perez.

“I really had no choice,” umpire Ed Montague said. “Every time I threw out a new ball to him, it would spontaneously combust in his hand.”

Commissioner Bud Selig agreed with the ruling. “Although we are making every effort to bring baseball into the 21st century and to appeal to the bloodthirsty, violence-loving youth our immoral society has spawned, I’m not sure there is any place in our game for spontaneous combustion.”

However, Selig did say that he would be forming a committee to study the issue.

DAVE MARGOLIS, Studio City