Sterling’s Woes Make Them Run for Cover

Donald T. Sterling

Sterling World Plaza

Beverly Hills, Calif.

Dear Donald,

You’re big time now!

The cover of Sports Illustrated! Well, no one deserves it more than you do.

You probably thought they were tough, calling your franchise the worst in the history of sports or whatever, but it could have been worse. They didn’t use words such as joke or laughingstock.

You were smart not to pose for them, forcing them to snap your picture at a game. Heaven knows what they’d have come up with if you agreed to a shoot. How about you tugging on the sleeves of Maurice Taylor and Derek Anderson, who are headed the other way, carrying suitcases?

I was proud of you for doing the interview, but you need new material. Your I-suffer thing isn’t working. If you were suffering that badly, or at all, you’d do something about it.

Having written a piece or two the organization wasn’t looking forward to, I know the drill, with the front office circling the wagons and officials calling up to defend you. The first time I went through it, it occurred to me that if you cared as much about losing, you wouldn’t do so much of it.

SI noted you’re a successful businessman. I’ve always thought that was interesting, the problem being we have to go on what we see and this isn’t the business section.

To us, you’re someone who runs a demoralized organization, makes no changes, refuses to acknowledge mistakes--suggesting you don’t understand you’ve made any, much less learn anything from them--spends less than any of your competitors and then professes surprise when you lose.

That routine in which you ask the reporter--and everyone--what they think you should do? That’s getting tired too. I heard you once asked Billy Crystal whom to draft. Billy was supposedly flabbergasted.

I understand what’s really going on, you’re thrilled just to know Billy. You wouldn’t take his advice if he were Jerry West or Solomon, but how pathetic can your team be if it gives you an in with celebrities? With such famous confidants, what are last-place finishes but an inconvenience?

You have hirelings to deal with the morass, but that trick you do, fingering Elgin Baylor while suggesting you’re too kind to fire him, doesn’t get you off the hook, either.

Baylor isn’t really the problem, is he? He has made a bad call here or there, but that’s how it goes. I mean, West drafted David Rivers. The problem is, all Baylor’s good calls left or are making travel plans.

This time, you outdid yourself. With all the money coming from your (free) move to Staples Center, all you had to do was sign Taylor long-term, starting at $7 million, and Anderson, starting at $5 million, and you’d have had your nucleus locked up for three years before the next big-money decision.

More important, you would have introduced the radical notion it might finally be OK to play here. Instead, neither player even got an offer, everyone turned to padding his stats and began to quit around Nov. 15, turning this into the greatest underachievement in Clipper history, which, you have to admit, is no small feat.

I know you’ve repressed this, along with all your experiences in 19 years as an owner, but every player who leaves reinforces the widely held belief that this is the Black Hole of the NBA.

Michael Olowokandi, a bust now as he sleepwalks through games, will make someone a nice center in 2003 when he’s a free agent. In 2004, it’ll be goodbye, Lamar Odom.

Let’s face it, letting Lamond Murray and Rodney Rogers go and Taylor and Anderson move into the on-deck circle, while re-signing Eric Piatkowski, who stayed because his family liked it here and he thought things would be different--after which, as he told The Times, they got much worse--won’t do.

Things never change in Clipperdom, and I’m not talking about the sports-page definition of “never,” which is actually a week or two. This is “never” in the Eternal Donald T. Sterling sense, as in “not ever.”

Any changes will be token, done for show. You may hire a $5-million coach (Mike Fratello?), but then you’ll let him dangle, like all the others. You wouldn’t bump your payroll to $40 million, even if you could find someone to take your money, or install a strong man.

(I regret wasting readers’ time in a recent column, telling you to bring in Magic Johnson as part-owner. That, I heard back, was dead the second I wrote it, even before anyone got to the problem of your never having sold a single share of anything. Of course, Johnson would have turned it around in a twinkling. Lots of things would work, but that’s not what this is about, is it? This is about schmoozing the rich and famous and not taking any risks in the process.)

I’ve always felt bad for the hostages in your front office, known as Clipper officials. You, however, have a choice, and this is what you’ve chosen.

What, am I supposed to argue with several cinch columns a season? Personally, like SI, I’m just glad to have the one and only you in my world.

Look at it this way, you’re famous too. Not everyone can sit astride the white horse. Someone has to ride the donkey.

Your faithful correspondent,

Mark Heisler

FACES AND FIGURES

Blowing his fabled poise in an expletive-filled outburst, Miami Heat Coach Pat Riley lashed out at reporters for inquiring into the benching of Alonzo Mourning for missing a morning shoot-around before a home loss to the Indiana Pacers that all but cemented the Heat into the No. 2 seeding, on target to meet the dreaded New York Knicks in the playoffs again. This came after Riley blasted critics for dumping on his team--then dumped on it himself, saying his players “don’t look like they care” and “quit” after a loss at Detroit. The question now is not so much which players will return next season, but whether Riley will be coaching them. . . . UCLA’s Jerome Moiso will go in the first round if he comes out, but unless there’s need involved, he needs another year to develop his confidence and toughness. JaRon Rush is a great athlete but may have to play guard, doesn’t handle well enough and his tip-toe set shot won’t be of much use. He’s a long shot for the first round, which means no guaranteed contract and a great chance at being in the CBA next season. . . . Unfailingly-positive-in-the-face-of-so-much-negativity Rick Pitino says the Boston Celtics have to break up their team. “I think they’re a great group of guys,” the coach said in the latest installment of his forked-tongue series. “We’ve got a wonderful attitude. We’ve stayed upbeat. We refuse to get down. And that’s good. But I think when you have great attitude and you have great chemistry and you’re working hard, you better say--who was it, [New York Jets President Bill] Parcells, that said, ‘What you are is what you are.’ And, yes, we could have won probably eight or 10 more games if the breaks fall our way but that’s 38 or 39 wins. So I think we’ve got to make some strong additions to our basketball team in order to become better.” Translation: Pitino went to see Celtic owner Paul Gaston recently. Looks like he suggested he’d leave without a buyout--but Gaston didn’t take him up on it. . . . Frustrated at being unable to reach his team, Milwaukee Buck Coach George Karl is now trying to undermine the Orlando Magic. “The thing that nobody talks about is, there’s a chance only four or five of those players will be back on that team,” he said. “We talk about players not having loyalty. [Magic General Manager] John Gabriel and the organization is not going to have any loyalty to a team that is giving Orlando a hell of a run. I think that’s kind of [expletive], to be honest with you. What a great reward to those guys who have busted their rear ends all year long.” . . . Larry Bird, while the Pacers aired conspiracy theories after referees blew a goaltending call on Patrick Ewing that cost Indiana a game at New York: “It’s hard for me to sit here and talk about it because I played in Boston and we got every call.”