He Gives You a Read on the Players’ Minds

What is most challenging about golf? Getting a hole in one? Finding a drink cart when you need one? Hitting the ball flush? Hitting the ball at all?

Of course, the pros are the experts and they have their own issues to deal with, such as discount hotel rooms and low-mileage courtesy cars. And on the golf course, there are even more pressing issues.

Add it up and you can see why golfers are sometimes confused, a state of being that doesn’t clear things up much when we listen to what the pros say.

This may be the most challenging part of golf right now. The biggest problem for the lay person may be that it’s difficult to know what golfers are thinking, even when they talk. There is a troubling downhill, sidehill lie here. It’s called GolfSpeak and it’s going around these days.

So in the interest of clarity of thought, we’re going to offer translations of actual quotes from PGA Tour pros.

* Davis Love III, who hasn’t won in more than two years.

Quote: “Time flies out here. It hasn’t been grinding on me or anything.”

Translation: “Is it the next millennium yet? The next person who asks me why I can’t beat Tiger, I’m going to part his hair with my sand wedge. If I were grinding any more, my brain would be flour.”

* Colin Montgomerie, captain for the losing European team in the first Ballesteros Trophy.

Quote: “Seve seems almost impossible to beat.”

Translation: “I should beat Seve playing with stalks of sugar cane, but since I didn’t this time, I’m going to blow some smoke and get back to the buffet line before they run out.”

* Ernie Els, who played the last 11 holes in five over at the MCI Classic.

Quote: “I don’t know what happened. I just lost it. What can you do?”

Translation: “I’m going to fire my caddie, my agent, my bookkeeper and my chauffeur.”

* David Duval, who missed on three legitimate chances to win on the West Coast swing.

Quote: “I probably wasn’t as focused out there as much as I should have been.”

Translation: “But do I look good or what? Another round of fruit salad, please. Do these shades make me look thinner?”

* Vijay Singh, who won the Masters and slipped into his green jacket.

Quote: “It feels good.”

Translation: “It feels good and maybe someday I’m going to wake up and actually know how the heck I did it.”

* Tiger Woods, who will play Montgomerie in a hole-in-one contest on a rooftop in Germany next month.

Quote: “I’ve always dreamed of playing golf on a rooftop of a big city.”

Translation: “Who dreamed this thing up? There had better be a ‘copter ready to get me down from this place.”

UP ON THE ROOFTOP

The hole-in-one contest between Woods and Montgomerie actually is a gimmick as part of the Deutsche Bank-SAP Open, where Woods is the defending champion. Woods and Montgomerie will hit from the roof of a 100-foot-tall building to a green across the street 135 yards away on another rooftop.

An ace is worth $25,000 and closest to the pin is $5,000. Standard golf rules are in effect, with a couple exceptions. Instead of “fore,” players will yell “Look out below!” And pigeons are in play.

BOOM OR BUST?

You can be sure that a few eyebrows were raised this week after a Wall Street Journal story indicating that the so-called golf boom is an aberration.

According to the Journal, “Tigermania has created more spectators than golfers.”

About 26 million Americans played 530 million rounds of golf in 1999, according to the Journal, which is about the same as in 1988. Visits to the practice range have increased and roughly 3 million take up the game each year, according to the Journal report, which also stated that’s about the same number of people who quit the game each year.

MONEY TEWELL

For what it’s worth, the $324,000 Doug Tewell earned by winning last week’s PGA Seniors’ Championship was more than he made in any of his 25 years on the PGA Tour.

SINGH IT

Singh’s tie for third at the MCI Classic was the best finish by a Masters champion the week after winning at Augusta since 1985 when Bernhard Langer won both.

HOW HARD IS IT?

Hard enough. Yes, it’s rough out there on the PGA Tour, where even superstars struggle sometimes. It appears that time is now.

Remember when Woods won only once in 1998 and more than a few experts were asking if he had forgotten how to play?

If you compare Woods’ experience to some of his well-known peers, it’s clear Tiger actually was knocking them dead in the victory department.

Need backup? Well, then, consider the plights of Duval, Love, Els and Justin Leonard.

* Duval is 0 for 23 since his last triumph, at the 1999 BellSouth the week before the Masters, which he entered after winning 11 times in his previous 34 events.

* Els is 0 for 26, his last victory at Riviera in the 1999 Nissan Open.

* Love is 0 for 52, his last victory in the 1998 MCI Classic.

* Leonard is 0 for 55, his last victory at the Players Championship in 1998.

Of course, all four have been in contention numerous times in the interim. And with the millions they’ve made for not winning, it’s not as if you need to feel sorry for any of them. They’re not likely to forfeit their places in the player buffet line any time soon.

GREEN FEES INCLUDED?

If you wanted to play a round with Tiger, how much would it cost?

Exactly $51,000, we found out this week, when four unidentified golfers agreed to pay a total of $204,000 for the privilege of playing with Woods at his home course of Isleworth near Orlando, Fla.

The foursome had the highest bid on a two-week auction run by UltimateBid.com. Woods has said the money will go to charity.

You’re probably going to see more of these Internet celebrity auctions now that SFX’s eSuperstars.com and IMG’s UltimateBid.com are working together. The arrangement pools more than 1,500 athletes and celebrities.

TV NEWS

Don’t touch that remote. CNN/SI’s takeover of the broadcast rights of the Senior PGA Tour turned out to be about as likely as a hole in one on a rooftop in Germany. ESPN signed a deal this week to keep the rights through 2005.

BYE, BYE, BIRDIE

Strange golf course experience of the week: At the 10th hole the first day of the Longs Drug Challenge in Lincoln, Calif., Annika Sorenstam was lining up a 15-foot birdie putt when she was interrupted by a wild turkey that ran across the green.

Sorenstam chased away the turkey, then made the putt, thus becoming the first player to record two birdies on the same hole at one time.

SMELLBINDING

For those of you holding your breath in anticipation of the next big fragrance breakthrough, well, relax, it’s here.

The Bobby Jones men’s fragrance is due in September. It might be a good idea to start saving up. A 4.2-ounce bottle in a mahogany box lists for $92.

The exciting news is that Bobby Jones also is going to be available in an after-shave balm and a shower gel. Hey, if it helped us hit the ball straighter, we probably would drink the stuff.

BIRDIES, BOGEYS AND PARS

The Southern California Golf Assn. is accepting applications for the Jim Murray Fellowship for Golf Journalism, which will be awarded this spring. The fellowship, which will run from June through September, was established last year and was named after the late Pulitzer-Prize winning columnist for The Times. The recipient of the fellowship will write features and other stories for the association’s publication, Fore magazine. Applicants should be juniors or seniors in college or recent graduates. Details: (818) 980-8896, Ext. 323.

The Chris W. Phillips memorial golf tournament will be held at San Dimas Canyon Golf Course on June 12. Details: (626) 960-9883, Ext. 13.