What If Hollywood Cast The Convention?

Ah, those memorable campaign movies--”The Great McGinty,” “The Candidate,” “Primary Colors,” the documentary “The War Room,” the mockumentary “Bob Roberts.” But what about great convention movies? Herewith, a few we found screening at the local gigaplex this week:

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“Hacienda Heights”: Coen brothers, directors

In this quirky homage, President Bill Clinton (John Goodman) plots with Gov. Gray Davis (William H. Macy) to kidnap Vice President/candidate Al Gore (John Turturro) and hide him at a Buddhist retreat; the resulting ransom will allow the president to pay back legal fees. Our hapless protagonists then realize it would be better for the prexy’s legacy if George W. Bush (Steve Buscemi) wins, so they kill the VP and try to hide his body under the Pantry, owned by Mayor Richard Riordan (Richard Farnsworth). On their way up from Orange County, they hit traffic and stop at a mall/casino for lattes, and whom do they stumble into but Monica S. Lewinsky (Debi Mazur) pushing handbag designs? How to dispose of the body? (Watch out for Tipper’s chipper!) With Frances McDormand as Tipper and John Leguizamo as Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante.

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“You’ve got the votes”: Penny Marshall/Rob Reiner, directors

A mismatched couple of madcap delegates try to have input at a fund-raiser but end up at the buffet table mincing and noshing and dishing and noshing until they’re forced, through a check-in glitch, to room together at the Bonaventure. Billy Crystal stars as the Long Island delegate and Meg Ryan as the Midwest liberal who reinvents herself at the Shadow Conventions. Written by Nora Ephron, script doctored by Aaron Sorkin and Joss Whedon. With Chris Rock as Mayor Willie Brown, Geena Davis as Arianna Huffington and Carl Reiner as himself.

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“The intervention”: Oliver Stone, director

OK, we all know what’s reeeally going on here in “The City of Messengers” (angels are messengers in the Bible). Interspersed with film footage from the streets of Chicago in ’68 (thanks to Haskell Wexler, director of “Medium Cool” for sharing), Stone’s agitprop reveals that it is the Media who really elect the president, not the people. But a small group from Seattle that calls itself “Hippies,” an acronym for the Hacker Intl. Party--modeled on Yippies Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin and Paul Krassner (Joaquin Phoenix, Jack Black and Kevin Bacon) comes to town. They persuade an embittered Ted Koppel (Heath Ledger in age makeup) to take over the network and protest the lack of convention coverage that keeps voters the nationalistic sheep they are. When the inevitable riot breaks out, Koppel joins the Hippies to broad-band it on the Internet, declaring: “The whole Web is watching. The revolution will not be televised. It will be downloaded.”

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“Race/off”: John Woo, director

When a rampant renegade Rampart cop steals a helicopter and crashes into Staples Center, the pilot gets out--and it’s not an LAPD officer at all! It’s just Dennis Rodman looking for a party. But he peels his face off and reveals Shaq, who is immediately nominated for vice president. The whole sequence is shot using synthespians in super slo-mo, which makes the convention seem even longer, running beyond the first Tuesday in November, canceling the election and giving Woo a title for his movie.

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“La La Ville”: Robert Altman, director

A 178-minute-long tracking shot revealing the lives of 12 delegates--an old-time party hack (Paul Dooley); a young DNC turk (Tobey Maguire) who’s into spinning everything, including a senator’s wife (Julianne Moore); a Headwaters activist down from Eureka (Christina Ricci)--whose paths converge at a blowout hosted by Maxine Waters (Eartha Kitt). When an earthquake hits the bash at Shutters and throws half the Dems into the sea, Gore (John C. Reilly) is rescued by Al Sharpton (Tone Loc). With cameos from Bill Bradley, Barney Frank and Bruce Babbitt. (An original ending helmed by 2nd Unit director P.T. Anderson in which it rains turtles on Figueroa Street was scrapped after not testing well in Van Nuys.)

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“All about myself”: Pedro Almodovar, director

The feminist/cross-dressing/transgender lobby in the Democratic Party spends a week in L.A. laughing and crying and having sex east of La Brea.

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“The Mediatrix”: Wachowski brothers, directors

A hyperdigitalistic heroic myth--Joseph Campbell meets Robert Bly. After a blackout in L.A., Gore (Keanu Reeves) ducks behind the curtain at Staples Center. Entering a news van overturned by protesters, he falls into the Mediatrix, an illusory postmad entertainmenation created by the surviving slaves from local public-access stations. Gore realizes that he, too, is just another reality hacker plugging away in the circuits of someone else’s virus-infected system, forced into servitude by morphs of Rupert Murdoch (Philip Baker Hall), Michael Eisner (Philip Seymour Hoffman) and Mel Karmazin (Philip Michael Thomas). In the end, Al finds God, played by the lips of Angelina Jolie, and asks her if he--or George W.--is the one.

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“Saving social security”: Steven Spielberg, director

The tears, the flags, the balloons, the mawkish hokum of a convention biopic. Al Gore (Tom Hanks) as the perfect patriot, a Southern farmer-father who wants to change this dysfunctional planet one Hollywood limousine liberal at a time. With a completely overblown soundtrack from Hans Zimmer. (Spoiler: Hanks wins the Oscar--and the presidency. A first.)