They Like Me, They Really Like Me . . .

The paparazzi have finished capturing countless images of celebrity politicians waving to the crowds as they stroll along the red, white and blue carpeting. Joan Rivers has completed her task of cornering each one and asking, “Who bribes you?” The Presidential Campaign Academy is about to present its quadrennial awards--the Kafkas. And now, the envelopes please . . .

* The Roseanne Multiple Personality Award goes to Eddie Murphy for his magnificent portrayal of all five African American delegates at the Republican convention.

* The Penn and Teller Hide and Go Seek Award goes to--it’s a three-way tie--Newt Gingrich, Tom DeLay and Pat Robertson for their skillful disappearing act in Philadelphia.

* The Ted Koppel Best Follow-Up Question Award to an Unknown Reporter for her probing question at a press conference held at the hospital where Gerald Ford had checked in; when a doctor stated that the only task at this point was “to take care of” the former president, she asked: “And will you do that?”

* The Dick Morris Most Honest Spin Award to Trent Lott for his reply when asked why he wouldn’t reveal which corporations had funded the lavish parties he hosted: “We don’t have to.”

* The Lenny Bruce Religions Incorporated Award to Al Gore for asking himself what would Jesus do if he were selecting a running mate, and then appointing an Orthodox Jew.

* The Pope Paul Extravagant Ecumenicalism Award to Democratic Sen. John B. Breaux of Louisiana for declaring, in reference to Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman, “I don’t think American voters care where you go to church on Sunday.”

* The Howard Stern Scatology With a Purpose Award to Anonymous for creating those rubber bull’s-eye pads found at the bottom of urinals in men’s rooms with this message: “The Star Wars Missile Missed Its Target! Will You?”

* The John Carpenter Horror Movie Plot Award to Arizona Sen. John McCain for concluding his convention speech with this line: “I am haunted by the vision of what America will be.”

* The Naomi Wolf Alpha Male Award to Gov. George W. Bush for his allusion to his opponent’s donning earth-tone shirts: “I’m not running in borrowed clothes.”

* The Oliver Stone Ultimate Conspiracy Award to protest organizer Margaret Prescod for suggesting that Mayor Richard Riordan, a Republican, has been conspiring with the Los Angeles Police Department to encourage rioting in order to give the Democrats a bad name.

* The Alanis Morrissette Isn’t It Ironic Award to MTV for not allowing young people who are old enough to vote to attend the Rock the Vote party because they’re too young.

* The Woodward and Bernstein Deep Throat Award to Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch for claiming during a primary debate--referring to a $20-billion industry--that “there’s too much pornography.” Would a $17-billion industry be OK with him?

* The Ray Bradbury Science Fiction Award to Jerry Falwell for proclaiming on “Politically Incorrect” that global warming is a myth.

* The Lee Atwater Hypocritical Pandering Award to House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) for allowing himself to be introduced by a popular pro wrestler known as The Rock--infamous for warning female wrestlers that he would turn them into “poontang pies.” So much for those placards promising that “ ‘W’ Stands for Women.”

* The Woody Harrelson Reefer Madness Sequel Award to drug czar Barry McCaffrey for his anti-medical-marijuana crusade, thus fulfilling the Clinton administration approach: “We feel your pain, we just don’t want to help you relieve it.”

* The Alan Greenspan Irrational Exuberance Award to President Clinton for helping to build the economy and lower unemployment by overseeing the immense expansion of the prison-industrial complex.

* The International Buddhist Overactive Bladder Award to Al Gore for insisting that he wasn’t present every moment at a certain important meeting because he had been drinking a lot of iced tea and needed a bathroom break or two.

* The Edward R. Murrow Funky Journalism Award to Dan Rather for ending his broadcast with, “If you like the CBS news, be sure to tell your neighbors.”

* The Stepford Pundits Buzzwords Galore Award to the pharmaceutical industry for inspiring so many election campaigns to present equally panacea-filled TV commercials, except that the candidates are not required by the FDA to disclose their harmful side effects.

* And, finally, the Hugh Hefner Popular Fantasy Award to Dick Cheney for emphasizing that he can never think of Al Gore without thinking of Bill Clinton, and that George W. will restore dignity and decency to the White House, thereby hinting at the fundamental issue of the GOP campaign--that Clinton, Gore and Monica Lewinsky had indulged in a threesome.