The Tribe Has Spoken, so Dodgers Are Stranded

Now that we know who the “Survivor” is, that leaves the island free, and with all the talk about who might stay and who might go, I suggest putting the Dodgers there.

You could start the elimination process now since the season’s over, building to the World Series--this is the only way to get the Dodgers involved in the World Series--and see who’s left standing.

You wouldn’t have to wait for a vote to send Dodger Chairman Bob Daly packing. He can’t stay anywhere for any length of time without going on vacation.

And if Tom Goodwin can’t get on a base that’s only 90 feet away, what makes you think he can get on a far-off island?

The rules, of course, do not allow smoking on the island, so Todd Hundley couldn’t stay, and after watching Mike Fetters’ facial contortions and everything he goes through to control his breathing just to face a batter, try pushing a plate of rats in front of him.

The part of “Survivor” host Jeff Probst, of course, will be played by Ross Porter, who will tell you before the spear-throwing contest that Jim Leyritz once threw a No. 2 pencil across five rows of desks, nine desks to a row, 67 feet 6 inches, if you want to be precise.

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NOW HELP ME out here. I understand Sonja was the first to get the boot off the island because she was a bumbler and stumbler in the first challenge event. If that’s the case, there goes Adrian Beltre.

Chan Ho Park can’t always find home plate, so asked to negotiate his way through the jungle at night I don’t think we’ll see him sitting around the campfire. The boat is coming to get Devon White, we just don’t know when, and then where it will take him.

I understand that B.B. was dumped on the second episode because he washed his dirty laundry in his team’s drinking water, disgusting, but then don’t you think this would be a little early to give Kevin Brown the heave-ho?

They tell me Richard walked around without his clothes, and you know how upset Chad Kreuter got when he couldn’t wear his cap, so I don’t think I’ll approach Chad to discuss that other thing that Richard has become so well known for on the show.

The point is, no one in the whole country likes Richard, but even following that line of thinking, don’t you think this would be a little early to give Kevin Brown the heave-ho?

Joel gets voted out for his “condescending” attitude. So it’s a good thing Angel third baseman Troy Glaus isn’t here. Greg and Colleen disappear into the jungle. Nothing wrong with that. Once in a while Eric Karros disappears.

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FACE IT, IN the end, the Dodger Final Four is going to be:

* Kevin Brown, because who’s got the nerve to tell him to leave?

* Kevin Malone, because he has the know-how to strike an alliance and save his butt.

* Gregg Olson, because I didn’t even know he was here.

* F.P. Santangelo, because anyone who can hit less than .200, and still be here is not to be underestimated.

What about Davey Johnson? Long gone.

Who wins? Everyone, of course, has been sworn to secrecy.

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THEY HAD A news conference Wednesday to tell us they had picked the best possible group of U.S. baseball players to get beat in the Olympics.

Tommy Lasorda, the U.S. manager, gushed like he really believed he had been given a gold-medal team, but then he said the Dodgers still have a chance to make the playoffs, so why bother to write any of this nonsense down?

Pressed to offer his expertise on what ails the Dodgers, Lasorda seemed to think there was nothing wrong. “We have a guy in left capable of hitting 40 home runs, a guy in right who hit 42 last year, a first baseman who hits 30-some homers, a third baseman capable of one day hitting 30 and a catcher that’s hit 40 home runs. Is that not a talented team?”

And as for the pitching staff, “with Brown, Park and [Darren] Dreifort, that’s not exactly chopped liver.”

The only way I can figure it, Dave Hansen just isn’t doing his job.

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ALL THIS TIME we have been thinking Tiger Woods is better than any one of us could ever be in our wildest dreams, and it’s the golf ball. He gets the hard Nike balls that go so much farther because they are specially made for him, and we have to pay for the Nike mush balls that he endorses like they are the ones he hits. All we ask is a fair chance to compete.

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TODAY’S CURTIS CRAYON update: The Times’ horse handicapper is closing in on DiMaggio--going 46 races now without hitting a winner.

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IN WEDNESDAY’S MORNING Briefing in The Times it was noted that Pete Rose has been banned from baseball, as we know because of his gambling problems, but according to the briefing item, “motor racing still appreciates the all-time hit leader,” making Rose grand marshal of the Indy Racing League’s Belterra Resort 300 on Sunday.

There was only one word missing from the note: The proper name is: “Belterra Casino Resort.”

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JOHNSON HAD MORNING surgery on his shoulder, and was in the dugout later Tuesday for the Dodger game with the Expos.

“He’s one tough son of a gun,” team physician Frank Jobe said. “I had the same operation six weeks ago, and I couldn’t have managed on the same day.”

What’s tough about sitting back and waiting for someone to hit a homer?

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Dan:

“On page 52 in Sports Illustrated there is a picture of Stanford’s locker room with an article on Tyrone Willingham. On the blackboard behind him is written: ‘UCLA YOUR NEXT.’ Shouldn’t someone attending Stanford know it should be ‘YOU’RE’ next?”

Probably a transfer student from UCLA.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.