Oh, (You Gosh, Darn) Christmas Tree

In terms of grounds, I’m not saying it’s up there with infidelity, mental cruelty or answering the “how-fat-does-this-make-me-look” question.

Nor do I mean to imply that as a factor it compares, say, to leaving underwear on the bedroom floor.

But there is no question that the major reason couples file for divorce this time of year is directly tied to one thing, and one thing only: Putting up the Christmas tree.

Once this holiday tradition comes fa-la-la-ling along, peace on Earth and goodwill toward anyone drops faster than a satin-suited Santa down a greased chimney.

Let’s look in on Christmas Past and watch Tiny Jim as he drags their $60 tree into the house.

As you can see, the base of the tree has been cut on an angle, which means it must be re-cut straight across so it will stand straight.

Here’s Tiny Jim returning from the cellar with the family all-purpose handsaw.

Here is Tiny Jim sawing, sawing, sawing . . . oops, the saw seems to be stuck. No matter how hard Tiny Jim tries, no matter how many veins in his forehead throb, he cannot move it.

Mrs. Tiny Jim asks Tiny Jim if he wants her to give it a try. This is not what Tiny Jim wants to hear.

Tiny Jim comes back from the cellar with the family 16-inch chain saw. It makes noise, and blue smoke and chips, lots and lots of chips. Mrs. Tiny Jim does not look happy.

Now Tiny Jim is holding the standard, four-legged, three-bolt Christmas tree stand.

In theory, the standard, four-legged, three-bolt Christmas tree stand is supposed to effortlessly attach to the bottom of the tree and then hold it straight and secure for the duration of the holidays.

In fact, the standard, four-legged, three-bolt Christmas tree stand does not do this because, in truth, the standard four-legged, three-bolt Christmas tree stand was invented by a moron.

There’s Tiny Jim trying to slip the stand over the base of the tree. But no matter how hard he tries, it won’t fit. There’s Tiny Jim firing up the 16-inch chain saw again.

Now the tree fits.

Tiny Jim is now crawling around on the floor trying to adjust the bolts that hold the tree. He is having problems, though, because there is sweat in his eyes, and sap has glued his hands to the stand.

Eventually, Tiny Jim gets all the bolts just right.

But Mrs. Tiny Jim says the tree is leaning left.

Tiny Jim adjusts some more.

Mrs. Tiny Jim says the tree is leaning right.

Finally, Mrs. Tiny Jim says the tree is perfect.

Tiny Jim gets up from the floor and stands back to admire his work.

The tree falls over.

There’s Tiny Jim and Mrs. Tiny Jim on the phone.

They aren’t calling Santa.

They are calling their lawyer.

Jim Shea can be reached at shea@courant.com