It’s Tough to Say Goodbye to My CNN Relatives

We don’t get cable in my house.

My kids complain about it. They say there is a lot of great stuff on cable--Nickelodeon, the Cartoon Network, MTV--and when we stay in a hotel, they are transfixed by all 57 (or is it 570?) channels. This, of course, is why we don’t get cable in my house.

But in the past six weeks, I had the opportunity to become more intimately acquainted with cable--or, more precisely, with Cable News Network.

There’s a television set a few feet from my desk. Mostly, I ignore it, but during the wild ride that was the election of 2000 I began paying attention. Even now, when it’s all over, I am left with the feeling that the folks at CNN are friends--no, check that. I’ve come to think of them as family.

Political analyst Bill Schneider is the wise old uncle. Beefy election law expert David Cardwell is his convivial drinking buddy. Anchorwoman Daryn Kagan is the tough sister nobody wants to cross. Jeanne Moos, with her yock-filled features on pregnant chads and the like, is the kookie cousin who appalls everyone.

There are also long-lost relatives: AP alumni Frank Sesno, Candy Crowley and John King.

And finally, there are the argumentative kin, lawyers Greta Van Susteren and Roger Cossack. Cossack seems to be forever in a sort of crouch, ready to pounce. And Van Susteren--valiant Greta! brave Greta!--never fails to offer a strong and heartfelt opinion, just as her upper lip never seems to move.

For the past six weeks, these folks have been part of my life. And as would be the case after any family gathering that went on too long, I’m sick of this crowd.

It’s not really their fault. There have been many exciting days over these past weeks, days in which CNN took us from courtroom to courtroom, or focused its cameras on people staring at computer punch cards, or brought us images of frothing Republicans running amok in Miami-Dade.

But there were also days of tedium, when the developments were just individual dots in a political ellipsis. And it was on those days that the paradox of cable news networks became most apparent.

CNN is a network that tells us that the news never stops. Except, sometimes, the news does stop. At the very least, it slows down.

But CNN and its 24/7 news brethren can’t afford to acknowledge that, because there is nothing like a breaking story to raise the ratings; November was CNN’s best month since September 1995, when it was covering the O.J. Simpson trial.

So when CNN set out to report the unmaking of Election 2000, it delivered the news at only one volume level: LOUD. Loud, with countless “breaking news” captions flashed on the screen (sometimes for hours at a time); loud, with breathless reports by correspondents everywhere.

Make no mistake: This was the biggest story in the nation for more than a month. It deserved to be the top story of almost every hour in that time.

But after awhile, the world’s-coming-to-an-end perspective--all chads, all the time!--took its toll on all of us, and eventually Americans started telling the pollsters that, yes, they would rather not see this unholy mess of an election continue for another nanosecond.

It is my firm belief that the U.S. Supreme Court justices also suffered from “TalkBack Live” overdose (Bobby Battista: “We have this e-mail from Clarence T. in Virginia: ‘Gore is a loser, but I think Tipper’s hot’ ”) and finally took the dramatic step of stopping the recount because they just couldn’t stand to hear the CNN election theme one more time.

But it’s over now. The television set near my desk is off; I haven’t even given a thought to what Bill Press and Mary Matalin are getting snippy about tonight on “Crossfire.”

There are moments of nostalgia, of course. After all the time I’ve spent with Daryn and Jeanne, Larry and (especially) Greta since Nov. 7, it’s a little hard to say goodbye.

But only a little.

See ya. Maybe in four years, at a family reunion.