The Honor of Being Allowed to Mix With Fascinating Luminaries

Well, don’t I feel foolish! Having read how Hillary Clinton was looking to rent a place to live in Washington, I wrote a column last week offering Hillary a great deal on my daughter’s room when Elizabeth went to college.

I thought it was a win-win situation. Hillary would get to hear genuine New York Yiddish expressions, such as, “You call that a bagel? Fuhggedaboudit. What are you, a freakin’ mook?” And I could get the Secret Service to walk my dog.

But wouldn’t you know it, the very day the column came out the news broke that Hillary had signed to write a memoir for $8 million! With that kind of cash, she wouldn’t need to rent a room in my house. With that kind of cash she could buy my house just to have enough space to store that kind of cash.

Not that I’m bitter. Being a writer, I’m all for people making a pile of cash for a book. I, myself, am working on a book now about dressing up in women’s clothing for my weekly mah-jongg club. It’s called, “Tuesdays, I’m Laurie.” But Hillary is getting $141,300 to be a U.S. senator, and $8 million to write this book. So where do you think Hillary is going to spend most of her time? Figuring out how to safeguard Social Security and guarantee health care for all Americans--or how best to tell that cute story of when Socks the cat got caught in a bread maker?

As luck would have it, I attended a soiree last week where Hillary was a guest. This was before news leaked of her $8-million score. How embarrassing it would have been for me to try to pitch my daughter’s room at $100 a week when Hillary’s looking at properties so large she needs to drop $100 bills just to find her way from the solarium to the orangerie. I actually met Hillary. She gave me a half-smile, which I’ve gotten before from rich and famous people, and traditionally indicates they’re thinking, “Where the hell is security?”

I did manage to embarrass myself at the affair, however, which was a dinner and Christmas concert for Special Olympics. I brought my daughter and told her the evening was her 18th birthday present. Seated to my left was an attractive young woman, whose name was “MacKenzie” something. I soon noticed MacKenzie took great glee in spotting celebrities. I pointed out Jon Bon Jovi, Val Kilmer, Jamie Lee Curtis, Steve Case and Maria Shriver, among others.

After a while MacKenzie introduced me to a man who was seated across the table. “That’s my husband, over there, Jeff Bezos.”

It was only after we shook hands that I put the face and the name together. Jeff Bezos is the founder of Amazon.com. He was Time’s Man of the Year in 1999! I grabbed my daughter and shouted, “Lizzie, get to know these guys. They’re billionaires!”

Of course, I quickly apologized for my boorish enthusiasm. (Not to mention my inaccuracy. The way Amazon stock has tumbled this year, by now Bezos may need to rent “Hillary’s room.”)

As I said, Jeff Bezos was Time’s Man of the Year last year. This year he isn’t even on People’s “25 Most Intriguing People 2000” list. But Elian Gonzalez is.

Time out! Elian Gonzalez isn’t intriguing. Elian Gonzalez is 7. I have Chinese takeout older than this kid.

OK, Prince William is intriguing. J. Craig Venter, the DNA guy, is intriguing. James Gandolfini of “The Sopranos” might actually be intriguing; same with the wrestler, the Rock.

But Darva Conger and Richard Hatch? Yes, they’re both greedy. Yes, they both got naked. But doesn’t “intriguing” suggest that you’d like to do something more with them than stuff them into a Cuisinart? Jennifer Aniston is about as intriguing as Handi-Wipes. And who on the planet still thinks Gloria Steinem is intriguing? Ralph Nader? Steinem is on the list because she got married. If that’s so intriguing, where’s Mickey Rooney?

But the most ridiculous choice People made has to be George W. Bush. OK, George Bush may be a nice guy; he may be smarter than you think. But intriguing? All Bush seems to want to do is work out. It’s like the country voted for Richard Simmons--without the fat babes and the weeping. Bush may be the first president who leaves office looking buffer than when he went in. He may end up with a bigger book deal than Hillary: “How to Lead the Free World and Get Rock-Hard Abs.”