Grim Expectations and Deregulation Humbug for Davis

Gray Davis is sleepless. He is tossing and turning. Why should this be? he wonders fretfully. I won by a huge margin. My budget surplus could bail out priceline.com. I was in Vietnam, unlike George W. Bush. I have a full head of hair, unlike Al Gore. Life is good. So what’s the matter with me?

Gray . . .

Who’s there?

It’s Jerry Brown. In Sacramento I was your boss, the governor of California.

You’re not Jerry. You’re a bit of undigested tofu.

I am he. See the scar from when I went roller-blading with Linda Ronstadt?

Oh, yeah. But things change, Jerry. You’re in Oakland fretting over the design of a bridge. I’m in D.C. schmoozing with Alan Greenspan. Get over it.

You followed in my footsteps, even unto desiring the Oval Office. I wish to spare you the griefs that beset me. You will be visited by three spirits. Listen to them, heed them, even though they won’t be contributing to your campaign. Remember . . .

Well, what do you expect from a 62-year-old man who still sleeps on a futon?

I am the Spirit of California Past.

You look like W.C. Fields.

That’s because California Past didn’t give suckers an even break. The Gold Rush? Godfrey Daniels, now there was deregulation--the rivers still run with miners’ mercury 150 years later! The only people who got rich in the Gold Rush were the salesmen. Charging miners a dollar an egg--those were the days! But enough reminiscing. What do you see?

I see Pete Wilson signing an energy deregulation bill that passed the Legislature unanimously. . . . I see big promises about big savings, about consumers picking energy plans like they pick phone plans--peak rates, off-peak savings. . . . I see my cable bill--wait, how’d that get in there?

My mistake. Just more of the same promises about competition and cheaper prices. Look further back.

I see lines at gas stations. I see Jimmy Carter in that stupid sweater, asking Americans to make sacrifices and turn down the thermostat. As if. I see Carter losing the election--spirit, can’t we leave?

I’ll take over from here. I’m the spirit of California Present.

Why can’t I see you?

Because I’m in a Stage 3 rolling power blackout right now.

But there’s the Public Utilities Commission, all lighted up. Who are those people protesting outside?

That’s the ratepayer revolt you warned about. Californians who feel hoodwinked by the deregulation tease. Citizens, taxpayers, voters--you know the type. The people inside, in the suits--those are the companies who begged for deregulation. Now they say it’s either higher electric bills to bail them out, or blackouts, bankruptcy and junk-bond hell.

Are they angry with me?

That, you’ll have to find out from the Spirit of California Future.

Spirit of the Future, what are you going to show me?

I show you only the shapes of things that might be. Look, and tell me what you see.

I see--power rationing. . . . I see born-again re-regulators groveling for reelection. . . . I see shivering people on freeway offramps with signs reading “Will Work for Kilowatts.” . . . I see businesses leaving the state not because of regulation but because of deregulation. . . . I see unemployed Californians crowding into third-run movie house Pauly Shore triple features just for the air conditioning. . . .

Nothing more?

I . . . I see an empty chair at my desk and--spirit, that pile of campaign lawn signs dumped in the trash--whose are they?

Draw closer, and read.

They say . . . “Reelect Gov. Davis”! Spirit, this cannot happen! I promise I will clean up the Goldilocks mess between too much deregulation and too little, and I will keep the lessons in my heart all the year long.

I will embrace wind power and solar power. I will look upon the small utilities as kindly as the big ones. I will strive to please all of the Californians all of the time. I will give back my $450,000 in campaign contributions from PG&E; and Edison . . . wait, who said that?

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Columnist Patt Morrison writes today for the vacationing Mike Downey. Her e-mail address is patt.morrison@latimes.com