‘Tis the Season for Important Resolutions

It’s another happy new year in the NBA!

Well, it’s another new year, anyway, with the Lakers back on top but things otherwise in a tizzy, with TV ratings stagnating, attendance swan-diving and offense off.

Of course, our heroes, hopefully a little wiser for their recent tribulations, are determined not to make the same mistakes again.

Well, most of them, anyway:

Kobe Bryant--I’m going to give it to you next time down, big fella. No, really.

Shaquille O’Neal--What’s my hand signal for, “I’ll squash the next guy who gives him the ball?”

Ed Palubinskas--I’d like to tell you about what we’re doing with Shaq’s free throws, but I have a confidentiality clause in my contract that says if I talk to reporters, he’ll fire me and then he’ll squash me.

Isaiah Rider--When were these resolutions due again? Oh well, I’ll get you next year.

Phil Jackson--What, me worry?

Mitch Kupchak--I still think this will work out, don’t you, Jerry? Jerry?

Jerry West--Sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner, Mitch, but I’m digging this consulting thing. Leave a message on my answering machine and I’ll be in touch.

Donald T. Sterling--I knew if we made a few prudent fiscal decisions, we’d finally get my kind of players. These guys are young, they’re hungry and they can’t renegotiate for years! I resolve to keep doing whatever it is I’ve been doing, since it’s obviously working.

Lamar Odom--Let’s see, three more years plus three months 19 days 12 hours and 10 minutes before free agency. But who’s counting?

Michael Jordan--Next time someone offers me 20% of a team, I’m going to ask which team it is and can I commute in under 30 minutes?

Jerry Reinsdorf--Actually, this is pretty much the way we envisioned things, didn’t we, Tattoo?

Jerry Krause--Right, Boss!

Tim Floyd--We’re going through a little image change. From now on, cornrows are OK. Check mine, dude!

Rick Pitino--I’ll do better in my next job, as I would have here if only we hadn’t lost that drawing for Tim Duncan. And Travis Knight, Chauncey Billups, Antoine Walker and Kenny Anderson hadn’t turned out to be total losers. And the fans of Boston hadn’t turned on us. And Paul Gaston wasn’t such a cheapskate and-- wait! Where you going? OK, tell interested teams and/or universities to contact my agent. Bidding starts at $5 million for pros or $2 million plus the usual perks for colleges.

George Karl--These mercenary players make me nuts. If I have to be around them, I want Phil Jackson money.

Pat Riley--I don’t know what came over me. One day I was a nice unassuming guy. Then I was Attila the Hun. Thank heaven, I chilled in time to smell the flowers, at least until Alonzo Mourning returns next season and Attila makes a comeback.

Glen Taylor--Mmmph, mmmph, mmmph!

David Stern--We’re sorry, Mr. Taylor isn’t available. He’s, uh, tied up and won’t be able to talk to the media until Aug. 1.

Joe Smith--Next time my agent tells me, “Everyone does it,” I’m running out of the room.

Eric Fleischer--Next time, invisible ink!

Kevin McHale--Next time I say I’m going to kill an agent, I’m really going to do it. No jury in the world would convict me.

Larry Brown--My next job, which could start any day now, I’m going to insist players do what I say. Of course, that’ll have to be in a high school and there aren’t many of those paying coaches $5 million a year. . . .

Allen Iverson--I need a coach I can relate to. Snoop Doggy Dogg, maybe.

Pat Croce--I can’t stand it another second! I quit!

Iverson and Brown--You can’t quit! I need you to talk to this wacko for me!

Shawn Kemp--Maybe I bulked up a little too much. This is s-o-o-o depressing. Pass the potato chips.

Bob Whitsitt--No @#$%^&*! comment.

Paul Allen--With Microsoft stock off 60%, we may have to tighten up. Do we really have $94 million committed to two disgruntled reserves, who each just blew off a practice?

Jeff Van Gundy--Next time they tell me we can trade my 38-year-old center for someone younger, I’ll make sure it’s someone younger than 33.

Glen Rice--I might have been a little hasty when I went to New York. And when I stiffed the Bulls. And when I left the Lakers. And when I left Charlotte. And when . . .

David Falk--Don’t worry, Glen, there’s a place for us, somewhere a place for us, with the right climate and demographics, 20 guaranteed shots a game and cap space for Patrick Ewing, Dikembe Mutombo, Larry Hughes and the rest of your friends/my clients, where management does exactly what I say and we can all finally be together.

Mark Cuban--I’m going to continue teaching Jackson and Riley about the game, Croce about karate and Stern how to reform his referees. Then maybe I’ll take over the music industry and . . . (For a full transcript of Mr. Cuban’s resolutions, see www.mark.cuban@dallasmavs.com.)

Dick Ebersol--No really, Mike, you’re only 37, you can still play! How about $100 million a year, an XFL franchise and we’ll let you have Ahmad back as your chauffeur?

Stern--Oh, I haven’t done my resolution? OK: Next time, I’m quitting when I’m ahead.

FACES AND FIGURES

Biting the bullet, the Orlando Magic announced Grant Hill would undergo a second ankle surgery, ending his season at four games. “We signed Grant under the 95% [chance] that he’d heal,” General Manager John Gabriel said. “It’s just unfortunate he fell into that 5% that didn’t heal. He will still have many great days, years and games here as an Orlando Magic player.” Just not soon.

It’s the usual turmoil in Washington, where Rod Strickland made his annual “I love New York” announcement, missed a practice--then complained when he didn’t start the next game, blaming “management” for it, presumably team President Jordan. Making things worse, Coach Leonard Hamilton, suggested he was siding with Strickland, telling reporters, “Ask management.” Strickland then blew off another practice and Jordan suspended him.

Friends say Hamilton, who left Miami University for a five-year, $10-million deal, already regrets it. For his part, Jordan probably wishes he’d never heard of the Wizards, either.

For What It’s Worth Dept.: Nugget owner Stan Kronke, who kept silent after his players mutinied, finally said Coach Dan Issel will finish the season-- after the Nuggets went on a 5-1 run. “I didn’t feel bad about our team,” Kronke said. “I just felt there were times when people weren’t communicating. You’ve got to work at it.” In other words, Issel’s still in trouble.

Milwaukee’s Karl, continuing to bash his stars: “I’m not a good guy to talk personnel with right now. I’m so angry that I don’t know if I can see my team fairly. You have to be real conservative with in-season trades. You have anger, you have depression and it clouds your ability to make decisions. There are 100 trades that I walk in on a Monday and say, ‘ . . . , get that . . . out of here.’ I’d trade him for anybody. Then a week later, he’s my best player.” He’s talking about Glenn Robinson, who has played well recently. Of course, Big Dog has a history of tanking after he doesn’t make the All-Star game.

Minnesota’s mouthy Wally Szczerbiak, who has angered friend and foe alike, almost got into a fight with Charlotte rookie Jamaal Magloire, then went off on Toronto’s Vince Carter, noting, “I was surprised at how cool he thinks he is. He’s out there styling and kind of profiling and making all these crazy facial expressions like he doesn’t really care.”

Minnesota Coach Flip Saunders on Szczerbiak: “He’s established himself as being a pretty good player and he’s going through a time when people test him and Wally doesn’t back down to anybody.”

Portland Coach Mike Dunleavy, on last week’s upset of the Lakers: “As long as we had our Christmas Day ruined [by having to play], we wanted to try to ruin somebody’s while we were at it.” . . . Portland’s 7-foot-3, 290-pound Arvydas Sabonis, who broke in playing against Russia’s 7-3, 300-pound Vladimir Tkachenko: “My career began with Tkachenko--I was laying on the floor. I am finishing my career with O’Neal and I am laying on the floor again.”